Recipe: Atsa Good Meat-a-ball

I am Italian, as evidenced by my furry body and the fact that I exude shiny oils. Some days, my fucking fivehead could grease a pan. I know, ew. Sorry. Well, being what I am, I should know how to make a good meatball. Um, I do. These little babies will melt your panties.

Go to the store and get this stuff:

  • 3/4 pound of extra lean beef. If you’re a cheap-ass and you buy the fatty stuff, it will splatter grease everywhere and fuck up your day. Splurge a bit, sunshine.
  • 1/4 pound of hot Italian sausage. If you’re a wuss about spices, go ahead and buy the sweet kind. If you’re a total weenie, just skip this shit and use a pound of meat.
  • Optional – Tiny bits of pepperoni. Me likey.
  • You probably have this stuff lying around. If not (slacker), pick up a small onion, sea salt, oregano, red pepper flakes, Worcestershire sauce, Italian seasoned bread crumbs, skim milk, and Parmesan cheese. Hey, you should use the stuff in the green can you had leftover from those fucking awesome stuffed artichokes you made.
  • Chianti. No Chianti? Fuck. Something red and grape.

Now, pour that Chianti into a cylinder glass (not a fucking wine glass–sacrilegious), and start saucing yourself while you mix this. Grab a big bowl and combine:

  • Meat, 1 teaspoon of sea salt, diced onion, 3/4 teaspoon of oregano (haha, looks like pot), 3/4 teaspoon of red pepper flakes (unless you’re a pansy), 2 tablespoons of W sauce.
  • Mix that shit up real good. Get in there with your hands. Hey, you washed them, right? Ugh. Don’t want to know. Just try to avoid licking your fingers. Gross.
  • Drink more wine.
  • Add 1/2 cup of breadcrumbs, 1/4 cup of Parmesan, and 1/3 cup of skinny moo juice.
  • Some people add parsley and eggs. You want to do that? Then, go ask for their recipes.
  • Otherwise … mix the above stuff too.
  • Oh, fuck, forgot to tell you to preheat the oven. My bad. Do that now–400 degrees, top, and bottom heat.
  • Grab a baking sheet. I suggest you spray no-stick shit on it, or it might fuck up your day.
  • Pinch off pieces of the mixture, roll them into whatever size your little tummy desires (me, golf balls), and place them on the sheet.
  • Cook them for 20-25 minutes until not pink, or you’ll get trichinosis, and shit your brains out … thusly, fucking up thy day.

Drink more wine. Eat meatballs. I like them as they are. Others dump tomato sauce over them. As long as it’s a good sauce, I approve. Fuck Ragu.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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