Radio Silence

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This is one of my specialties, also known as the smoke bomb, walk-off, or fuck-n-duck. I’d say it’s around 50/50 on how many times I’m been on either end. Like Don Miguel Ruiz says, don’t take it personally. Some people like closure; some people like silence. I’m the latter—numb from unwanted feedback.

Here’s the main thing to remember when you are the dumped: the limit is two unanswered text messages. That’s it. You send one, send a follow up to make sure it wasn’t accidentally sent to the bit bucket, then move on. When you send text number three, or (horrors) call the dumper, you approach the line called pathetic. Don’t.

There could be any number of reasons for the *poof*. If you don’t nag the dumper, you won’t need to hear the reason, which means you can make up your own. Perhaps you are too wonderful—penis is too large, vag is too tight, etc. Place those thoughts in your brain locker, and leave your ego unscathed.

I’m convinced that part of the reason for my latest mate’s disappearing act was (aside from my writing, which slams a lot of doors) because of my reaction to her suggestion about getting tested for STDs. Allow me to rant thereabout.

People, any medical test is effective up to the point it was taken, and even the best medical test has a margin of error associated. I could have blood drawn as I’m balls deep in the nurse’s ass.

Now, some would argue that any test is better than no test, to which I say, “Blah.” There’s little or no truth to that because the people who get tested most are probably the people who have reason to be tested often, hence the most sexually active, hence the most likely to be diseased.

If you say you were tested two months ago, how do I know:

  • You’re telling the truth?
  • The results were not forged?
  • You haven’t been infected since?

I don’t.

Look, if you’re so worried about banging a Petri dish of sexual calamity, then insist upon a condom. You should be aware that to the man, a condom is as enjoyable as taking a bath with your socks on or getting a shoulder rub through a ski jacket. This may delay his ejaculation, which may be wonderful for you (if damp), or horrible (if not). This may also cause an instant deflation of the erection. Or, he might ask for the check and move on to a less hypochondriatic nymph.

Enough on silly tests. Back to the blow off.

Have some dignity, girl. Just shrug, and walk away. You don’t need to know his reasons. Light up your vacancy sign, and be excited by the opportunity that awaits you.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.