Quite the Catch


Bumble keeps telling me I’m quite the catch. Bumble is full of shit. This is not flattery. This is simply Bumble trying to get me a-swiping. I resist.

What sort of mate do you consider quite the catch? Looks are one thing — to men, almost the only thing. A nice headshot with some cosmetic cleanup will make anyone a catch. As long as the eyes are aligned and hairy moles are obscured, all is swipe-right-able. But, what about bodies? What about scents? Most importantly, what about lifestyle?

From a man’s perspective, other considerations are mostly obscured by physicality. A hot mess is still hot. This is counter-intuitive. What good is a sexy beast who is going to drive you broke and crazy? It’s like having a luxury sedan that rides like a Big Wheel and breaks down constantly. Still, we silly man/beasts work against our own interests, well aware of the potential damage and heartbreak on the horizon.

This is why most guys don’t bother reading profiles. If she’s smoking hot, nothing in the profile will increase desirability … all right, maybe if she proudly expresses her fondness of waking her man with daily morning blow jobs. Seriously, though, her love of Nature, generosity, and career achievements mean little. Sucks, but true. Men should be looking for all the right stuff in a woman’s profile and consider good looks to be a bonus.

Fortunately, I see hope on the horizon. As I approach 60, I’m still drawn to the hottie, but quick to turn tail before the sex towel and emotional cleanup comes ’round. It used to be, “Fuck it. She’s hot. I’m getting laid and dealing with the rest later.” Now it’s, “Fuck it. I’ll go home, beat off, and sleep.”

Optimistic women will read this and suggest this is simply my swininity, which does not represent the majority of men. Fair enough. I’m admittedly crass and jaded, but an honest look at me might expose my accuracy.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.