If you’re male and any combination of nice, generous, and frequently out and about, you’re likely to have been gently placed into the dreaded friend zone repeatedly. This is where someone you consider a potential mating option puts you in order to keep your penis holstered because she doesn’t consider you a mating option. Sad. What’s worse, though, is thinking you’re in the friend zone when you’re not or vice versa. That’s akin to thinking you’ve locked yourself out of the house, which causes you to break in through a window before you realize you left the garage door open.
I’m nice and forever leaning on bars, so I have VIP seats in the padded friend zone cell. It’s not great. I do save on morning-after pill purchases and awkward conversations such as, “I can’t believe I let you do that.” I appreciate that women find me amenable and supportive, but I sure would appreciate something more substantial than a “gee, you’re a wonderful fella” text message as my phone vibrates next to my vacant bed. I’d be remiss to suggest I’m out for a good fuckin’ from every specimen. Certainly, there are those who I have also placed in the friend zone, for various reasons, including:
- Slept with my friend.
- Poor hygiene.
- Extreme Republican.
- Extreme Christian.
- Mildly retarded.
- Already been there, and it was sub-par when compared to masturbation.
- Keeps staring at my credit card.
- Ovulating – This one has actually been scratched since I am now shooting genetic blanks.
- Likely to attach herself to me like a barnacle.
So, how should a man handle being placed in the friend zone? Well, an excessive celebration will be penalized, and I wouldn’t spike her Coach bag. Otherwise …
“Hold on. Did you just try to kiss me?”
“Um, yes. So?”
“Ew. No offense.”
“You had that backward. You’re supposed to say, ‘no offense’ and then ‘ew.’ And, why ew?”
“Because you’re almost like a brother.”
“Isn’t your brother attractive?”
“Not to me.”
“All right, bad example. Are you saying you’re not attracted to me at all?”
“I don’t think of you that way.”
“Not really. Are you attracted to me that way?”
“Well, only if you’re attracted to me that way.”
“But, you already tried to kiss me.”
“Maybe I was just smelling your teeth.”
“You can honestly picture us having sex?”
“Numerous times … well, not in a row, technically. I mean, we’d do it then shower off, watch Sports Center, do it again, split a PBJ, and then hit the hay.”
“Fine. How do you see it happening?”
“It’s not happening. We’re friends.”
“Are you saying you’ve never been attracted to any of your friends?”
“It doesn’t mean you’re not attractive.”
“Answer the question.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Most successful relationships are built upon a strong base of friendship. Hence, we’ve got the foundation in place. Let’s start building this fucker.”
“I’m not going to have sex with you.”
“What if you’re really sad, or drunk, or you want to make another man jealous?”
“I have other people I can turn to.”
“No, I’m honest. Our friendship is too important to me to have it ruined by sex.”
“How do you know the sex will be bad?”
“I don’t. I do know it will complicate things and then we wouldn’t be able to go back to the friend thing.”
“This sucks saggy moose balls.”
“Oh, get over it. Here, I’ll play wingman and help you get laid, you poor thing.”
“I don’t need your pity, friend-o. I’ll find a way out of this friend zone. Just you wait.”
“Aw, you’re cute.”
“But not cute enough to get naked with?”
“Bartender, more sedative, please.”