Have you ever encountered a Pick Up Artist (PUA)? The more I read, the more I realize that the word “artist” truly belongs on the title, because it’s fascinating how hard these men study and hone their skills. Every woman should read these books so they can see a PUA coming. Oh, and just because you see one coming, it doesn’t mean you need to turn him away. Ladies need lust too.

The most difficult part of being a PUA is mastering the approach. Expert PUAs have egos large enough to shrug off denials. They know that with enough attempts, they’ll eventually hook one. The approach includes many strategies including when to approach (not while there’s a man on one knee, holding a jewelry box), how to approach (don’t run up and chest bump), and using a proper opening line. (It doesn’t include “Guess what? I just shaved my balls. They’re so tingly.”)

The PUA will smile and approach you from an angle–not directly on. He’ll make small talk, such as, “Hey, my friends and I are looking for a place that has live music. Do you know of any good spots around here?” He knows not to approach with flattering lines. He wants to introduce himself as an option. He may deliver a neg (a subtle criticism or tease) to disarm his target.

NOTE: Please don’t become a paranoid mess from reading this. If I approach and ask where the restroom is, I may actually have to pee. If you grab me by the collar and head-butt me, you’re overreacting.

The PUA’s next move is to steal more attention from you by performing a trick or asking a question he knows you’ll have an emotional response to. Tricks include rare skills such as my uncanny ability to tell a woman’s age by her elbows. It drives her crazy. A great opening question is, “Hey, I’m thinking about seeing The King’s Speech. I’m worried I’m not going to like it.” This targets her cerebral clit. Women LOVE the movie and will emotionally promote and defend it to no end.

Next, the PUA will attempt to isolate you from your friends. He knows your older/less-attractive/recently-jilted friends will block the shit out of him, so he’ll befriend them and lay on a thick layer of compliments. “Aw, he seems nice. You should go talk to him more.” Ah, extraction complete.

Once isolated, he will toss in the necessary hard-to-get strategies. Women don’t like overbearing men. The PUA will say he has some commitment he has to keep so he only has a few minutes. This creates subtle jealousy and relationship acceleration. He’ll try to exchange contact information and ask to continue the “talk” another time. Once the lady expresses any remorse about his parting, he’ll leave, delay, and then return, saying that his plans have changed. This makes her feel special.

NOTE: By this point, you’re adding all of The L-Word DVDs to your Netflix queue and reminding yourself that the best penis is the hand-held type that doesn’t come attached to a man. Lighten up, my sweet!

Finally, the PUA shifts into high gear to close the deal (yes, sex). He’ll ask you to go to another bar with him. On the way, he’ll say he needs to stop by his place to pick up something and invite you in to meet his pet Labrador. “One glass of wine before we go.” Then some affection, a few kisses, and his pulling back saying things are moving too fast.

Since he ran the scenario through his mind numerous times, he’ll employ additional strategies. He’ll suggest you watch a funny video he’s dying to show you before you go. Then, he’ll suggest you stay in and watch a movie instead of going out. Surprisingly (not), his family room TV can’t play the movie, so he’ll recommend you watch it in his comfortable bedroom. No worries–you’re fully clothed, reclined on top of the bed cover with wine and candlelight. Innocent enough.

NOTE: Naturally, this has never happened to you or any of your friends. If it has, I’m sorry, unless it turned out to be a multi-orgasmic occasion.

Before you know it, a kiss there, “It’s warm in here,” a shirt off there. Escalating and retracting. No sex, no penetration, fuck fest. Wow! In the afterglow, he presents an excuse to make you go. The walk of shame. You’ve been had. That bastard! Wait a minute. It wasn’t so bad after all. Turn it around, kitty cat. Maybe you were the PUA tonight. Maybe you got laid and he just got played … well played.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.