How to prepare for this Friday’s apocalypse.

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I’m sure you’re at wits’ end trying to decide what to do before French Fried Friday. Let me help.

First, you should slather (gosh, I hate that word) on a coat of SPF 50. Don’t use the spray stuff because it doesn’t go on uniformly and most winds up on the floor. You wouldn’t want someone to slip and break a wrist. I hear it’s going to be quite hot on Friday as the King of Hades rises. Make sure you hydrate. Beer counts.

If you can find a very large catcher’s mitt, that might help. It all depends on the size of the approaching meteor. An outfielder’s mitt might do. Here’s the key: When attempting to catch the meteor, try to run on the balls of your feet, not the heels, or your eyes will bounce. Also, don’t raise your glove until the last second, unless the exploding sun is in your eyes.

Men, I hope you were wise enough to stop using condoms on or about March 12th. If not, for fuck’s sake, man, begin bare-backing immediately. Who cares if you finish a bit prematurely? The shame will only last a few more days, and she won’t have sufficient time to tell all of her attractive friends you have a hair-trigger penis.

Ladies, head directly to your favorite shoe store and go nuts. If some greedy bitch gets in your way, take her purse, throw it as far away as possible, and continue shopping. Stop staring at your phone. Concentrate!

Kids, eat candy until you sneeze chocolate. You can be as obese and diabetic as you wish. The extra layers of fat might come in handy. Oh, and go kick that playground bully in the balls.

We won’t have any use for the next season of anything, so I’ll fill you in on how then end before you end:

  1. Dexter finally fucks his sister/ex-wife. They move to Utah and live happily ever after until Hannah finds out. She poisons them both, then opens a marijuana dispensary.
  2. On Homeland, Carrie continues making horrific cry faces with spit ropes, which finally repulses Brody so much that he leaves her for another man … Saul.
  3. On Ice Loves Coco, he doesn’t.
  4. Honey Boo Boo’s mother goes on The Biggest Loser, has neck surgery, and marries Donald Trump.
  5. Ashton Kutcher and the half-wit half-man both leave Two and a Half Men. Jon Cryer continues as One Girlie Man.

Since you’re heading to the grocery store to load up on supplies, here’s some advice:

  • Buy the ripe fruit.
  • Splurge on the expensive personal lubricant.
  • High-sodium, thick-cut bacon is fine.
  • Water is for pussies. Get the Scotch.
  • Go ahead, ask any attractive clerk how firm her melons are … then duck.

I’d call out sick for the rest of the week. The last thing you want as that meteor enters the atmosphere is to be distracted by a sobbing idiot in the next cubicle. Don’t forget to change your voice mail, reminding callers you’re out of the office for eternity.

If you can manage to book an early morning flight Friday, go for it. Don’t check any luggage. Fuck those airline fees. Grab a window seat and you should have a great view of the impact.

There ya have it. Have a nice extinction.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.