Please put away the claws, my dear.


What do you get when you combine Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay, and a cornered tigress? You get a woman armed with wine and scathing remarks for any competitor in the vicinity. Dang, you shawties am brutal!

Admittedly, I’m not a fan of many people. Still, I can control myself and remain silent when criticisms boil up from the depths of my pool of sarcasm … usually. Other times, I’ll simply say, “He seems nice.” That covers it.

We were tipping grapes last night with some fine specimens when an alien cat strutted onto the scene. The claws came out and the victim was shredded from fifty feet. Fucking impressive!

“She has horrible hair. It’s Jewish hair. Just awful. I bet she cuts it herself–with lawn shears.”
“Did you see her tug her top down to expose more of her cleavage? What a tramp.”
“Spray tans are so last summer. I mean, who has a tan in January?”
“I hope that’s a skinny margarita she’s carrying. Her muffin top is ghastly.”
“She’s probably here scouting for some rich, old man to buy her cocaine and hair extensions.”

The fur–extensions or not–certainly was flying.

We, the penis toters, were fascinated by her brutality. We discussed whether we recalled taking similar jabs at our competitors. Not even close. We’ll take shots at a strange man by concentrating on a small number of traits:

  1. His bangs are Beck-ish and silly.
  2. Who wears sneakers with suit jackets?
  3. He’s wearing a clip-on phone holster. He has never seen a vagina.
  4. It must suck to be a gnome.
  5. All the Tebow-ing in the world wouldn’t gain him access to her end zone.

Women, on the other hand, go off on everything:

  1. Her hair is as dyed and damaged as my grandmother’s curio.
  2. The reverse bob cut on her makes her look like a boobless Bob.
  3. By the looks of her skin, she must tan in a microwave oven.
  4. With all that makeup, if she slept over, in the morning you’d find a shroud of Turin on her pillowcase.
  5. She has more spots on her chest than a leopard.
  6. I don’t know where she bought those boobs, but she should return them.
  7. Why is she wearing her daughter’s jeans?
  8. I can see she failed her resolution already. She has a body by chili fries.
  9. I guess her puffy ankles make it easier to float them over her head.
  10. Her cloven hoofs are overflowing those ridiculous shoes she’s wearing.

Mating war is bloody hell.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.