People on Those Dating Sites

Had another young lady curl up next to me at the wonderful bar of therapy the other day. We discussed dating. I confessed that I’ve been in a serious drought. Received no sympathy—not even a pat on the head.

We got onto the topic of online dating.

“Seems that guys on those sites are only after one thing.”

“Sea bass?”

“Um, no. Sex.”

“Ah. I’m unfamiliar. Do tell.”

“They troll around the site looking for hookups. Here, look at how many emails I received just today.”

“Better to be in demand than incontinent.”

“Not really. It’s time-consuming weeding through the pigs. I’d bet half these guys are married.”

“Then it’s their wives’ fault for not giving it up enough.”

“WHAT?”

“Oh, I kid. Yes, men are piglets.”

“This one cute guy I connected with said he didn’t feel like driving all the way down here. So, he said I should come up, with an overnight bag. We haven’t even met yet!”

“The nerve of him to not provide toiletries and morning wear. Guys like that give the rest of us a bad name. I’ll have you know I am fully stocked with Listerine, lady boxers, and espresso.”

“Good to know. I won’t be coming to your house either.”

“But …”

“Plus, so many of these guys make rude comments about my photos.”

“May I?”

“Sure, here. They’re classy, right?”

“Um, to be honest, you’re kind of leading with your tits, sugar.”

“Oh, so just because I show a little cleavage, it means I’m a slut?”

“Well, you know what they say: ‘If there’s cum in your boobie gutter …’”

“…”

“Kidding again. No, of course, that should not be inferred. And, you’ll want the man you eventually land to appreciate your valley of the melons.”

“I don’t think you’re helping me.”

“All I’m saying is, you ladies consider men to be disgusting slobs when you’re not attracted to them, and they act lustfully. But, if you’re into the guy, and he says he wants to spank you like a naughty school girl while spraying genetic man syrup all over you, that’s hot. How’s a guy to know? Will there come a day—perhaps on date three or four—when you’ll tell him it’s OK to lust after you? Up until that point is he supposed to stick to neutral topics, and avoid looking at your boobs?”

“Calm down there, Sparky.”

“No, I will not calm down. This pisses me off. You should not be able to change my meaning and intent based on how you feel about me. If I tell a young bartender she’s gorgeous, she might think I’m a creepy old guy who wants to drug her. That’s fucked up.”

“So, you’re not Phil Cosby.”

“No, I’m not. That bartender is gorgeous. If she asked me to have sex with her, would I? Of course, I would. Yet, I realize her flirtation is solely based on her desire to increase gratuity, which is also fucked up and is akin to prostitution. Don’t even get me started on that.”

“Didn’t mean to get you started.”

“I’m not done. So, there are men on dating sites who want to have sex. Is that really a fucking epiphany? You prefer a man who writes poetry, and seeks a partner to join him in yoga classes?”

“I don’t do yoga.”

“But you are aware that there is this exercise activity called yoga, and those classes involve contorting one’s body into positions loosely related to sex positions.”

“Huh?”

“Downward dog? Yogi, please! But, I digress. Look, if I walk into a titty bar, I expect to find naked hyper-sexual women. If one walks on stage with a puppy and a candle, then proceeds to read excerpts from her eFondleMe profile, including how she enjoys couples cooking and sunset walks, I’m calling horseshit. She’s trying to give me the impression she’s not your typical stripper. Nay. She’s a strong-minded woman, secure in her sexuality. Thirty minutes later she’s in the VIP room milking hundreds from some poor slob like me, who would love to believe she’s unlike the rest.”

“I don’t see how that has anything to do with POF.”

“Every man on that site wants to get laid. Every man on every fucking site. FarmersOnly? Same shit, only with hay and overalls. ChristianMingle? J-Date? More deluded sex slobs, hiding behind a book of morals they don’t abide by. eHarmony? It’s simply men willing to take a longer trip to the same fucking destination … your ass.”

“Jeez. Um, ooh, look at the time. Sorry, sir, but I have to go. It was super nice meeting you, and I wish you good fortune with your writing and dating endeavors. I’m sure you’ll find a nice girl.”

“Pfffflppptttplbbbth!”

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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