Penis Fish


Guess what washed up on a California beach in large numbers this week. Yep, penis fish. Thousands. I mean, they’re not actually called penis fish. They’re urechis unicinctus, but penis fish is more fun. To be fair, they could be called tube fish, sausage fish, or finger fish. What fun would that be? Nobody is clicking an article about sausage fish. Click the penis. Click it.

Many things around my house could be made more clickable if I described them with “penis.” I have a dozen penis baseball smackers in my garage. Those fuckers are solid wood. Most are tan. Some are black. The black ones are bigger and last longer. This makes you want to learn more about my penis baseball smackers, doesn’t it? Maybe not.

I mean, why aren’t clams described as hard-shelled pussy holders? Let’s see the headline about numerous hard-shelled pussy holders exposed by erosion? OK, pussy is the problem? Pussy in the headline may be flagged as offensive. Fine. How about hard-shelled salty labia holders? That sounds more enticing to me. Give me a dozen, please, with sides of horseradish, tequila, and moist towelettes.

How about a tittylope? Any melon cut in half on display in the produce aisle will get much more attention with a sign reading, “Half Tittylope Sale.” Not a cantaloupe connoisseur? Right. Let’s move farther down the aisle, past the cockcumbers to the cunt cake. (Everyone knows the bakery is next to the produce aisle.) I would love a cunt cake. Drizzle it with sugary, white cream. Then again, I could do that myself at home. I prefer the ones with smaller holes. More to eat.

Did I just hear a collective “ew?” Oh, calm your ass down.

Speaking of ass, there is an ass fruit, you know? Yep. A large peach is better known as a tiny ass fruit. You need to hold it at a certain angle to make the imagery work. Works for me. Two bites and I’m dying to eat ass. Always be sure to clean your fruit before eating.

Other examples:

  • Bananas are bent boner fruit.
  • Hot dogs are weiners. Yes, they are. Can’t dispute that one, can ya, fuckers?
  • Mashed potatoes are easily molded into albino vagina lips. Practice this Christmas. Your relatives will love you for it. Promise.
  • Electric toothbrushes are clit throbbers. I mean, not the head — brush end. (He said, “head.”) Don’t even try to deny it, missy. I know where your Sonicare has been.
  • Finally, ice cream cones are blowjob trainers. If you’re a straight male you need to eat these and bananas with plastic knives and forks. Ladies, lick away … slowly. Look me in the eyes while you do it. Oh, baby.

Such silliness. Fish washing up on shore is not fucking noteworthy … unless they look like penises. By the way, they don’t look like penises, really. Where’s the head? The veins? The useless part attached to it — man?

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.