Don’t let a goddamn beer commercial dress you. That’s today’s lesson. Sure, some fashions burn out quickly and become the brunt of teasing jabs. Most of them seem to come around again and again with slight modifications. The fashion industry thrives when styles change frequently so they encourage it. Still, if you’re out and about and you want to stand out, you need to peacock (and grow thick skin).

Long hair for men, short hair for women, platforms for men, leg warmers for women, tattoo shirts for men, halter tops for women, pinky rings for men, satellite-dish-sized middle finger rings for women, jeans with holes, jeans with cuffs, baggy jeans, skinny jeans, mirrored sunglasses, round-lens sunglasses, square-lens sunglasses, wireframes, thick frames, large-faced watches, and on and on. How could anybody keep up?

When I check out the latest fashion magazine, I find most of the trends odd. If I wore anything out of the back of Details magazine, I’d definitely attract more men than women. So, what’s a man to do?

Sure, it depends on my age, height, weight, and ethnicity. It also depends on the forum. Things were so much easier when Mom laid my clothes out and when dark slacks, white shirts, and any ties were in. Now, most of the clothing I find cool makes me look like a skateboarder, cage fighter, or stoner. My wearing such elicits barbs from my female friends who insist I’ll never find a bed warmer while I’m wearing anything with holes, foil, or rhinestones. They’re probably right. I hate them and want to kick them with my square-toed shoes.

Seriously, though, if I walk into a bar and all of the men are wearing flip-flops, dark jeans, striped button-down shirts, and duck’s ass hair bangs, I don’t want to blend in with them, I want to stand out. Same if all of the women are wearing black boots, skinny jeans, and a pink top with spaghetti straps. It’s monotonous and boring. I need some way to differentiate the women. How will I distinguish the truly slutty from the poorly dressed Born-again Christians?

It’s all about attitude anyway. If a man exudes confidence while wearing nerdy sunglasses, black nail polish, or a porn star mustache, it will work for him. He’ll attract attention, absorb the teasing, and probably end up banging the hottest chick in the bar just because he’s different. He raises curiosity with his style dysfunction and creates an in for himself. The girls may point and snicker at first, but soon fall victim to his covert strategy.

It works for women too. You can wear a glowing bracelet, blinking pin, skin glitter, fishnet gloves, a diamond stud in your nose or eyebrow, dark laced bra under a white shirt, pink or purple hairstreaks, or a derby. None of them are in style, but they all will attract interest.

Fuck Miller Light. Wear your man-thong, sunglasses, skinny jeans, and Ed Hardy shirt. Carry your man-purse and drag Mom out for a beer with the boys. Go get that tramp stamp, young man. If the hot, female bartender gives you any shit, remind yourself that her callused, spoiled-beer-smelling hands have wrapped around enough bouncer and bar manager cock to make Jenna Jameson blush. (She wasn’t going to go home with you anyway.)

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.