Here’s a picture of me in my panties.

“Nice. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“I don’t know. You like it, right?”

“Yes. Very sexy, but what’s the point?”

“That’s the point: turning you on.”

“You’re an hour away.”

“So?”

“So, it’s like showing me a picture of black forest cake.”

“How so?”

“Looks delicious, but I can’t have any.”

“You can, though.”

“Yes, a fucking hour from now. Much better it would be if you texted me that picture right before you rang my doorbell … and, if you were carrying a black forest cake. Fuck, now I’m starved.”

“You don’t like being turned on?”

“Of course I do. All right. Consider this: What if looking at that picture gives me wood, and I need to go relieve myself, or I’ll suffer painful blue balls?”

“That’s kind of hot.”

“Ah, but after I eat an entire black forest cake, I’m not hungry anymore.”

“Huh?”

“Metaphor. Look, if I go toss a batch down the shower drain right now, by the time you get here I’m going to be left with something resembling salt water taffy in the sun.”

“Then, I’ll send you another picture.”

“Right. But, after I eat the entire cake … Jesus. Never mind.”

“If it bothers you, I’ll stop sending them.”

“No, it doesn’t bother me. Please do not stop. Let’s just work on the timing a bit.”

“OK. When should I send you pictures?”

“Five minutes before I see you, and you’re up for nookie.”

“Nookie?”

“Christ. I’m a fossil. Keep forgetting. Um, I believe your generation calls it crossing a blurred line, getting lucky.”

“You could send me a picture back, you know.”

“Not happening.”

“You’re no fun.”

“I’m not photogenic. My phone contains pictures of food, cats, and baseball fields.”

“Boring.”

“How about a picture of a big, juicy sausage?”

“Now, I’m hungry.”

“Now you know how I feel when I see those black panties.”

“You’re hungry for panties?”

“Seems to be a slight disconnect. Let’s drop the metaphors. Here’s the plan: You send me sexy pictures as often as you like. I’ll save them and place them in my spank vault until minutes before we’re getting together. I will send you no pictures. Feel free to subscribe to The Daily Cock.”

“I don’t need to see cock pictures. That would be gross. Just send me something sexy.”

“New York Cheesecake?”

“…”

“Shoofly Pie?”

“…”

“Hello?”

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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