I’ll have the oyster.

My friends and I typically spend our evenings discussing three things: home improvements (5%), sports (10%), and women (85%). We represent a diverse collection of male irreverence including one olive, one tan, and one brown. Not that those shades of men necessarily suggest we’ll take certain stances. For example, not all brown men have huge penises and avoid eating pussy. Similarly, to each his own when it comes to mating targets.

As a nurse (server) delivered my sedative (Peroni), I commented on how she was a delicious oyster, hiding something precious beneath the surface. My compatriots examined her–twice–and asked if I needed my cleanly shaven head examined. True, she was in a Henley and jeans. She wore an apron and had her hair in a ponytail. To me, that’s nothing but an oyster shell. She had a great smile, a cute laugh, and honest eyes.

“She’s working, you ass. You expect her to be wearing a lace top and pumps?”

“Dude, I’m not seeing it.”

“That might be the most beautiful woman in here.”

“You cray-cray.”

“I’m telling you, if I got her out of here on a date, she’d be a totally different person. You two picky fuckers wouldn’t even recognize her, and then I’d get the props I deserve.”

“Doubtful. Hey, I’m sure she could use some lovin’, and you’re ugly enough to be that guy. I’m just sayin’, I prefer than skinny one over there next to the bar.”

“She’s old, and she has bony elbows.”

“Don’t hate the older women. They’re much easier to manage.”

“Good luck with Shagarella. I’m gonna pry this oyster.”

When guys go for the bleach blonde Barbie, with skin showing in December, and a designer clutch, this is what they sign up for:

  • A money pit.
  • Constant competition with other mangy mongrel men.
  • A woman who needs an hour to get ready, even for bed.
  • A taker who, when she does deliver a blow job, treats the penis like a hot piece of bacon–gently, with thumb and index finger, pinky extended, tiny nibbles.
  • Constant whining.
  • A plethora of boring stories about her slutty friends, shopping experiences, and her dog.
  • A woman who always has one eye open for the man with deeper pockets.
  • Someone who is impressed by the things she shouldn’t be.

Ah, but when you go for the oyster, sometimes there’s a precious pearl. You might find:

  • A person who knows how to say please and thank you.
  • Someone who offers to pick up a tab more than once a year.
  • Adorable lopsided, natural boobs.
  • A cute, little belly, which means she doesn’t mind yours.
  • A friend who is fun to hang out with, without needing to have all the attention.
  • Someone who has actually read the book before seeing the movie.
  • A woman unimpressed by wealth and popularity, because she knows they are fleeting.
  • Someone who is with you because she wants to be with you.

That’s my kinda gal.

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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