Ooh, I Need a Dirty Woman

There are those women who enjoy the occasional hair pulling, dirty talk, and spanking. I get it. There’s a time for lovemaking, and there’s a time for fucking. (And, fuck if I know which is when.) Well, here’s news for ya ladies: Men go through similar sexual mood swings.

There comes a time—after a long drought—when I stop looking for the next wife, and I begin seeking a dirty little skank ho pig slut to help me get the poison out. Don’t you judge me! Hypersexuals need love too.

What makes such an animal? Allow me to offer my sexplanation using stereotypes:

  • She’s typically not a ten. More like a six or seven depending on the time of night.
  • She is proud of her promiscuity.
  • Although they deny it, men constantly try to make her the girlfriend.
  • She might have tats, piercings, raunchy red lips, and excess cleavage.
  • She typically has a sidekick who comes off as aloof and frigid but is actually quite a cock monger herself.

So, the next question would be, “Uncle Philsy? What makes a woman dirty, sexually?” Funny you should ask. Allow me to pull out my (no, not my pet snake, you sicko) handy, dandy thewhoreus. Ah, here we are.

As Hoget (pronounced ho-zhay) describes, a dirty woman enjoys the following sex acts a-plenty:

  • One-night stands (… wipes, and goes home).
  • Sex in the driver’s seat. (Please do not attempt while driving.)
  • Extremely close-up text pics. (Wait. Is that my missing Cartier?)
  • Choking herself whilst delivering oral goodies, causing rear throat slime to ooze, which she usually spits on her fist. (Better than wiping it on the sofa cushions or cat, I suppose.)
  • Slaps herself on the love button while taking a good pounding. (Best to let her do that. If you attempt to bat-a-tat-tat her bean, you might get a good swift nee-na-nee-knee in the nanners.)
  • She’s quite vocal. (Not the typical Christian pleadings either. God covers his eyes around this woman.)

Oh, how I love these love monkeys! You can have your sweet little innocent daisy. I want a prickly weed of a woman. Last thing I want to be doing while emptying my testes is coaching. The woman beneath (or above, or in front of, or next to, or hanging near) me had better know how to play her position. I want her makeup smeared. I want her lower back sweaty. I want salty sex smells. I want funny looks from neighbors and pets the next morning. Shit, man, I want to limp. Fucking bruises! Scratch marks too. I want her to be so dirty that I can hardly face myself in the morning as I de-glaze my face and change the sheets.

Yes, Mr. Floyd, I too need a dirty girl.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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