WARNING: Don’t do this whilst on the throne.


I’m sure none of you have ever done this, but I have had my legs fall asleep while on the toilet. Perhaps I have circulation issues. My remedy is to stamp my feet on the floor and pound my thighs. Once upright, I still am not right as I stagger through my bathroom like a newborn fawn.

Various items are to blame aside from the fact that once I sit I never really know when I’m positively finished. Sorry for the potty humor, but I’ve had a few false wipes. Back in the days before iPhones, Pop kept the bathroom well-stocked with newspapers and Mom had JCPenny and Sears catalogs. I’d flip through a few pages of sports scores and ladies in undergarments and off the pot I went. When others are in the house it’s impolite to linger.

Then this nifty little handheld game was invented. If was a bunch of tiny green dashes (or minus signs) playing football. I shit you not, children of the Apple ages. The object of the game was to run my little green dash through the gaps between the opposing green dashes. Sounds amazing, doesn’t it? While my tiny thumbs had their workout, my legs grew tingly. Then, the 9-volt battery would die and I’d crawl back to my room to finish my homework.

Roll forward to modern times and this electronic tumor many of us have grown called an iPhone. It wasn’t bad enough that I could check my email whilst riding the throne; I had to go and download a Home Run Derby game and my latest nemesis, Family Fucking Feud. (I added the middle F.)

I love playing the game and I refuse–much as I wish many friends would–to link it up to Facebook and annoy everyone with my new high score on The Money Round. I don’t know if that show is still on TV or if Richard Dawson isn’t buried somewhere, but I can’t get enough of it.

The game creators should let jackasses like me upload our own surveys for people to play. Let me try my hands at writing one here:

“It’s time to play Phil’s Fucked-Up Feud. We surveyed one-hundred people and the top four answers are on the board. What gives men wood? What do you think?”

“Survey says, *BUZZ*!”
“What? Bullshit! Fine.”
“Survey says, *DING*! Ten points. That was the third highest answer.”
“Survey says, *BUZZ*!”
“Goddamn you, autocorrect! That was a typo. I meant f-e-e-t. Shit, two Xs. Um … “
*tic* … *tic* … *tic*
“Survey says, *BUZZ*! Let’s see the other answers. Number one, *DING*, Viagra.”
“Fuck. How could I miss that?”
“Number two, *DING*, Porn.”
“Oh, Jesus.”
“And, finally, number four, *DING*, Breasts.”
“What? Are you kidding me? I said nipple, which is the same as breast.”
“You suck!”
“I’m marching right into the app store and giving this stupid game a one-star rating.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.