Chunky Time

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OKC Thunder squad refutes chunky cheerleader claim by hiring Governor Chris Christie.

OKLAHOMA CITY – (Where the carrot cake comes sweeping down the buffet.)

In light of Claire Crawford‘s (a.k.a. skinny bitch) piece written for CBS Houston regarding the chunkiness of one absolutely delicious cheerleader, the OKC Thunder have decided to push the cheesy fries further by hiring Governor Chris Christie onto the squad. The governor admits he has little experience shaking pompoms and doing splits, but claims he can eat bonbons and banana splits like no other.

“I’m happy to join the Thunder cheerleaders to teach that pencil-legged wench that cyber bullying will not be tolerated,” Governor Christie explained. “I am not defined by my size. I make one fuck of an awesome pyramid base, and wait until you see me handle a t-shirt gun. Blam! I can do that shit even while scarfing down a foot-long with onions and chili sauce.”

Some New York residents question the move, especially since the home town Knicks are still alive in the playoffs.

“The Knicks already have one buffoon on court. Yes, I’m referring to Spike Lee,” suggested popular on-court announcer, Craig Sager. “Little prick stole my tangerine suit jacket. I think it’s a smart move by the Thunder. From what I hear, Christie can dunk too. No more mascots jumping on trampolines at halftime. Arm Christie with an apple fritter and tall mocha, and you’ll see magic.”

We attempted to reach Twiggy Twat Crawford, to get her reaction to OKC’s move, but she was “unavailable to comment.” We did notice that her latest Facebook status update said she was in an office stall on her knees with two fingers down her throat. Figures.

OKC cheerleader coach, Ben Tover, explained the move.

“We reached out to Chris Farley, figuring he would be perfect for the job, then found out he died in 1997. That’s inconvenient. We are also concerned that there will be articles written about another featured cheerleader, because she’s rumored to have Hep-C. We’re ahead of the game, though–currently in negotiations with Terrie from the anti-smoking commercials (you know, the one with the wig and hole in the throat), to add her to the squad. Obviously, we can’t have her leading cheers in case her neck hole leaks, but that atrophied body should make it easy to throw her on top of other cheerleaders.”

In related news, A.J. Clemente (the “gay fucking shit” newscaster from North Dakota), tweeted his support of the “chunky” cheerleader:

“Shit, I love me a beefy fucking vagina. Date me, Miss Chunky, and I’ll support you … um, not physically. #bigcheers”

Donald Trump was also quick to respond to the story saying, “This is all part of a conspiracy to get more black guys to come to OKC basketball games.”

If you’re hungry for more about this cheerleader, tune into Letterman tonight, as he can’t resist a chance to capitalize on insignificant news.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.