Not Gonna Do It


Hank has been seeing Kim for a few weeks now. She wants to take it slowly. He wants sex, regardless of the complications it may cause. Men. Kim likes Hank. If she didn’t see anything longer-term she’d gladly bang his brains out and then stop answering texts. Hank realizes he’s thinking with his penis again. He can’t fight it–never could. Kim sets the boundaries.

“You can come over, but we’re not going to do anything so don’t get any ideas.”

“You mean we’re just going to lamppost all night?”

“I’m talking about sex. We can play around, but no sex.”

“I’m fine with that,” Hank said, fully aware that Kim may relent if he finds the right spot.

“Are you?”

“You bet.”


“Just for clarification sake, what does ‘playing around’ include?”

“You know.”

“I don’t and you don’t want me guessing. I tend to have a liberal sense when it comes to coitus.”

“There won’t be any penetration.”

“All right.”

“We can kiss. I love kissing.”

“Fine. Can I grab your butt?”

“Yes, I suppose.”

“Excellent. How about some cupping of the boobies?”

“Um …”

“Through the shirt, naturally.”

“OK, fine.”

“I agree. Nothing too naughty can happen through clothing, right?”

“I suppose.”

“So, might I surmise that I can rub you in the right way in any area as long as I stay on the outside of your clothing?”

“Within reason.”

“What if my hand slides between your jeans and your panties?”

“Fine, but nothing under the panties.”

“This is getting you all excited, isn’t it?”

“Not really.”

“Damn. If, in the throes of passion, your top slides up a bit and I happen to drive by a nipple or two, would you grant the pardon?”


“Good to know. I’ll grant the same pardon if my penis accidentally pokes you in the tonsils.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“Ah, I kid. You should let me give you oral pleasure though. I’ve been reading up and would love to try some new methods.”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh, come on–be a sport.”

“Let’s just see how the night goes.”

“Fair enough. Can I bring some wine?”


“Hey, why don’t we take a bubble bath? That would be fun. I can stop on the way over and pick up a tub teabag.”

“If we do that, we’ll probably end up doing it.”

“You think? I know you grow weak around my gun show. I’ll make sure you behave yourself.”

“Sure, you will.”

“Then, it’s settled. The ground rules have been established and I expect you to follow them or there may be an erection.”


“Ah, you caught that, did ya?”


“Semantics. I’ll be over in a few, my love.”

“See you soon and remember to behave yourself.”

How do you think this all played out? I’d say there was a high chance of penetration followed by a twinge of guilt, apologies, and probably a second coming.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.