No Means Try Harder?

Sorry, but I was taught at an early age (with a wooden spoon, etc.) that “No” means “NO.” Hence, when I ask for something, especially from a woman, once I hear “No,” off I go.

Recently, I had a woman tell me that “No” sometimes means, “No, but, maybe if you try harder, YES.”

Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Why not just say, “Maybe,” then? Makes me crazy. I’ve had this happen numerous times. I ask her out, she refuses, and I move on as to avoid being that creepy stalker guy. Weeks, months, or even years later, I’ll hear something like, “Well, you must not have been that interested in dating me, otherwise you would have tried harder.”

… and, my anguish turns another chin hair gray.

What does that even mean—try harder? Does that mean I should ask again? Say, “please?” Beg? Begin sending cards, flowers, and Bitmojis?

FUCK!

Look, Missy, if you’re saying I have a shot, tell me what it will take. Then, like a reasonable human, I will weigh the effort required against the anticipated return (yes, that includes sex), and decide if I will make the investment or move on the easier conquests. When you tell me “no,” I’m done, as to avoid landing my sweet ass in prison.

I don’t say no and mean maybe. If I’m not interested, her trying harder is not going to make me interested, it’s going to make me uncomfortable. Yes, I know I’ve made my share of women uncomfortable with my persistence, so I learned to not do that. Beggars don’t want sympathy. That’s a value-free offering. So, if she keeps after me, once I begin to feel bad for her, I run away or do something completely repulsive to end it. I suppose women could do the same. If a woman hocked up a loogie and spit it on my loafer, that would end my persistence.

Hey, let’s learn from weather forecasts. How about providing a chance of participation when there actually is a chance? If I ask, and you’re not feeling it, but you’re not ready to slam the vaginal door in my face, give me my odds of access. More help would be if you let me know in which direction those odds are heading. If Chardonnay is greasing the hinges to said door, I’ll be refilling that stemware in a jiffy. If your cat allergies make my furry sons and me intolerable, tell me, “Zero chance, man. Move to a new climate.”

It would also be a HUGE boon if you shared what things I could do to improve my chances. While I can’t grow taller and be younger, I certainly can act the part. If it’s as simple as kissing with more tongue, why wouldn’t you say so? Come on. You don’t want me reading your mind any more than your blog. Clothing and hairstyles are negotiable. Baseball is not. Sorry. Thermostat settings, Netflix selections, and hot versus cold sake are all negotiable. Give me a nudge. I won’t bite you.

The next time I hear a no, I’m going to ask for clarification: “Is that ‘no’ a maybe?” But, if you respond, “No,” will that mean maybe? Ugh.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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