With all of the controversy surrounding life and death including gun rights, abortion, and assault, do we really need to be wasting our time debating the nipple? Well, allow me to waste a few minutes here.

Nipples feed — that’s really all we need to know. Next controversy, please.

Were you offended when Janet Jackson’s nipple was partially exposed during a concert? All right, then how about Adam Levine’s? If his was acceptable, was it because his was not lactatable?

What about breastfeeding in public? Is that gross or offensive? I think it’s beautiful. I’m not stimulated by it (unless I’m the one feeding, naturally). There are far more disturbing things I see in public. How about a neighbor’s dog dropping a deuce? No? All right. How about neighbor picking up said deuce with blue glove? No? Fine. How about someone squeezing fruit into their beer?

It’s just a pair of glands. They’re fun to play with, right? Fun for both parties involved. I love poking them like packing bubbles — more gently, of course. No, I do not lick packing bubbles. That would be offensive.

Does the nipple horror stem from trying to explain them to children? I have no offspring, yet I have learned that kids react based on how their parents react. If boobie tips are no big deal to you, then their no big deal to little Tony.

“Dad, what’s that?”

“What’s what?”

“That round brown thing on her chest?”

“It’s a tit nozzle. Go get me some crackers. I’m suddenly hungry.”

“OK, Pop.”

Done. No biggie. Tony’s probably gonna tell Connor he saw a tit nozzle on TV last night. No biggie, version two. You see, Pop didn’t spend any time asking Tony how the sight of a nipple made him feel. Pop did not react by yelling, “Jesus Fucking Christ,” and scrambling to change the channel. That would have piqued Tony’s curiosity. He might have asked Sharon, the prematurely maturing 6th grader to show hers. Bad Daddy. Bad Tony. Bad precedent.

Social media fucks this all up as well. Try this at home: Post a picture of a topless man in your life. Not someone like me whose silver strands cover most of his nipple meat. If the picture is from a distance, all good. Zoom in and post another. Repeat. There will come a time when friends will “ew” and Facebook will disallow the photo. So, you’re telling me nipples are fine as long as they are not too close. Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Yes, I know I’m preaching. Tough titty. There are many important things for society to deal with and remedy. Don’t resist the nipple, people. Embrace it and let’s move on.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.