Nice Profile, Dog


I’m browsing through my matches and realizing some people could use a wee nudge when designing their profiles. I’m no fashionista, nor am I necessarily photogenic, but I know what attracts and repels me. I am a typical male in many aspects. Then again, I may not be the type of male certain ladies are looking to attract. Still, most will find my gentle guidance valuable.

Ladies, here are things that do not belong in your profile pictures:

  • Dogs.
  • Puckering. Stop it with the fucking duck face, I implore you.
  • Friends who are more attractive than you are.
  • Large hats, sunglasses, scarves, and bangs concealing most of your facial features.
  • Your ex-boyfriend, even if his face is mosaicked out.
  • Your tongue.
  • Your arm extended, holding a camera while you face a mirror. (Have you no friends, for Christ’s sake?)
  • Weapons.
  • Your father.
  • A cigarette.
  • A baby bump.
  • Surfboards.
  • Dogs … Oh my god, stop!
  • Yearbook pictures.
  • You and your gay visor crossing the marathon finish line looking sweaty, tattered, and worn.
  • Junior Seau.
  • Motorcycles.
  • Pigtails.

Men, you are by far the more frequent offenders. When I check out my competition, I often catch myself uttering the phrase, “It’s obvious to me that you have never seen a vagina, nor will you.” I imagine these dudes hitting the upload button while beaming with pride. They eagerly stare at their inboxes waiting for them to overflow with lustful notes from centerfolds. [*crickets*]

Guys, these do not belong in any of your profile pictures:

  • A bare chest unless it’s from a Shake Weight commercial and you enjoy man ass.
  • A can of beer.
  • Handlebar mustaches.
  • Your head tilted back with a scowl.
  • Hairy shoulders.
  • Missing teeth.
  • Your mother.
  • A camper.
  • Webcam portraits, obviously taken right after you finished masturbating.
  • Nose hair.
  • A helmet.
  • Video game controllers.
  • Skateboards.
  • Strippers.
  • You flexing, sucking in your gut, or trying to draw attention to “the gun show.”
  • Ru Paul.
  • A bowling ball.
  • Winking.
  • The cell phone you took the picture with, in a bathroom mirror.
  • Bathing suits.
  • Today’s date if “today” falls during the nineties.
  • Bike shorts.
  • Your drinking buddy.
  • Hooters waitresses.
  • Visors.
  • Large belt buckles.
  • A cigar.
  • High school football photos.
  • Corvettes.
  • Blinding white skin.
  • DOGS

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.