Nice Guy Syndrome


This sucks.

I’m in love with someone who realizes I’m in love with her, but she won’t let me love her because she likes me. Figure that out. Oh, I’m sure she thinks of other reasons why it would never work. I’m too old, too anti-marriage (except for gay marriage), and there are no bullets in my genetic gun. Yet, I love her so much that I would marry her (crazy, I know). Not only that, I am willing to have my balls re-sliced and my dangling ovaries reconnected, to plant my seed within her, just so I can admire the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met in the most beautiful state I’ve ever seen any woman. I cringe when I consider raising children, but my DNA would be blessed to share space with hers in a child who would melt my heart.

But, it’s not meant to be, because of me.

I don’t do the thing I know women want: chase and conquer. Nice guys don’t do that because we’re worried about rejection. Bad boys don’t care. Bad boys shrug off rejection and move on to the next opportunity. Nice guys take it all in and wonder what’s wrong with us. We get hair, teeth, and clothing upgrades. We diet. We hit the gym to the point of injury.

“She doesn’t want me. There must be something wrong with me.”

Bad boys are confident, and women love confidence. Women see a passive man as a weak man unless he’s a friend–then, he’s a great friend. Bad boys know when they are turned down, it’s because the woman isn’t ready. Bad boys realize in many cases, no doesn’t mean never–it means not right now.

Nice guys are aware that no might mean maybe. But, nice guys also weigh factors such as time invested in stalking the prey and the fact that we can’t change women. Nice guys think logically. We decide if we can’t change women, we can work on ourselves to become more marketable.

“No, you say? Be right back. How about now? No? Hmm. Give me a few weeks. OK, now? Maybe? Wow! That’s an opening. Let me buy you dinner. What? As friends? Jesus. Fine.”

Most of my friends are bad boys. We attract what we’re not. They bring me pearls of wisdom; I shut the oyster.

“Why are you still chasing her? Have you noticed there are probably hundreds of other opportunities within this city block alone? Get over her, already. In fact, once you branch out and stop staring at her like a caged puppy, she’ll see you with other women, and maybe, just maybe, she’ll realize you’re a catch, and give you a shot. You only live once, dude. Stop with the addiction. Quit her, cold turkey.”

“But, I love her.”

“You’ve never even kissed her.”

“Don’t have to. This is something I feel in my core. She’s like toffee–I don’t know why I love her, but I do.”

“And, you’ll feel the same for another, once you stop auto-cock-blocking.”

“If I let her go, I’ll always wonder.”

“Then, go tell her. All this shit you just spilled on me, tell her. Let her know exactly how you feel. But, if she says, ‘No, thank you,’ promise me you won’t crawl inside a bottle of scotch.”

“I can’t. I won’t scare her away. Better to have her in my life as a friend, than to lose her forever.”

“Beware, ladies: Nice Guy Syndrome!”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.