As I was disposing of fine tequila at a local Mexican restaurant, I noticed the Lamborghini of women (pretty to look at, fantasize about driving one, can’t afford it) at the end of the bar. November weather in SoCal doesn’t dissuade leg exposure. I glance, appreciate the fine chassis, and return to a task I’m more qualified to undertake — margarita.
You know how you can sense when someone is looking at you? That’s why I try not to stare. Yet, I had the feeling she was looking my way. What gives? I glanced over. She was smiling. She raised a glass and said, “Cheers.” Time for a test drive? I know better.
“Cheers to you, too.”
“My name is Nadia.”
“Hello, Nadia. I’m Phil.”
“Come down and sit next to me, handsome.”
“I, um … well, you see, I’m meeting a friend,” I explained as I walked down to clink glasses with her.
“Ah, you are meeting your wife.”
“No. Heavens, no. A friend.”
“No. A friend who happens to be a girl.”
“This means girlfriend, no?”
“No. She’s just a friend. We don’t have sex.”
“Sex? Who was talking about sex? You pervert.”
Now I’m completely sideways. Because of her strong Spanish accent, I can’t tell if she’s fucking with me.
“Sorry. I was just explaining that the woman that is coming is not a romantic interest of mine.”
“She has a boyfriend.”
“So why is she not meeting her boyfriend here instead of you, Pheel.”
“Nevermind. Her boyfriend lives in another state.”
“Tell me this, Pheel, if she did not have this boyfriend, you would have sex, as you say, no?”
“Oh, you are gay. It’s OK, you know.”
“Yes. I mean, no, I’m not gay and yes, it is OK. In fact, I prefer gay people. They’re far more fun to be around.”
“Ah, so you don’t like Nah-dia because she’s not gay.”
“Of course, I like Nadia. You seem quite nice.”
“Where is this friend?”
“This friend has a name, I assume.”
“This is not funny, you know. I’m trying to be nice to you. It is Thanksgiving. You should be nice, not pervert.”
“I’m kidding around with you. You’re very pretty — way out of my league — so I am flirting aimlessly.”
“What this means — aimlessly?”
“It means I realized when I first set eyes on you that you would not want to be with me romantically.”
“I smiled at you and asked you to come over, no?”
“Wait. So, you’re telling me I could be with you.”
“No, of course not, silly. Plus, you have a girlfriend, remember? Or does pretty girl make you forget?”
“She’s not … fuck … all right, let me make sure I have this correct because if I lose this in translation somehow, I might injure myself quite intentionally. Do you, Nadia, want to go on a date with me?”
“You don’t want to say it?”
“I don’t think I say it the way you want me to.”
“Yes. When you fix that and get rid of the girlfriend, you ask me then, Pheel.”
“Nice meeting you.”
I returned to my humble stool.
“Bartender? Un otro … mas grande … ahora.”