I’m always open to ideas for squeezing more hours from my dwindling days. Multitasking opportunities present themselves occasionally, but I was disturbed by what I just found myself doing: I was sitting on the toilet, reading this month’s Cosmo while eating a strawberry flavored Twizzlers. I know! Well, at least it isn’t as reckless as texting while driving.

I’ve become an efficient, yet distracted, gear in the capitalist machine.

I challenge you to slow down and take note of all the multitasking you’re doing; it will enlighten and disturb you. Maybe you’ve done some of the following:

  • Carried a bag of Fritos or a coffee mug to the mailbox. I’ll do you one better. I’ve driven from my driveway to my mailbox–50 feet.
  • Watched TV while reading a book or magazine.
  • Been on the receiving end of cell phone babble that was so tiresome, you placed the receiver on the table next to you and waited for the blood to rush back into your right arm. The caller never noticed.
  • Talked on a Bluetooth headset while using gym equipment.
  • Listened to an audiobook while working.
  • Ate nachos, drank an $8.50 draft beer, and talked on the phone while at a professional sporting event.
  • Watched a video on your iPhone while cruising up and down the aisles of the grocery store.
  • Masturbated while going through a drive-through car wash.
  • Brushed your teeth or hair, or blew your nose while peeing.
  • Done any of the following in your cubicle at work: flossed, clipped your nails, or plucked a nose hair.
  • Shopped online while attending a lecture or an HR meeting.
  • Watched the news while having sex.
  • Read a newspaper or magazine while driving.
  • Hit on one person while texting another.
  • Used the same washrag to clean your butt and your face, not in that order (let’s hope).
  • Folded your pizza and washed it down with a mouthful of beer/soda.
  • Squirted or shook seasoning directly into your mouth.
  • Applied makeup or changed clothing while driving.
  • Ate or drank while you held the refrigerator door open and selected the next item to be consumed.
  • Watched the Royal Wedding while loading a syringe with a lethal dose of morphine and composing your suicide note. (I’ll demonstrate this tomorrow.)

Americans are always in a rush. Workdays have grown from seven-and-one-half-hour days to ten plus. Saturday has become a workday. All of the technology that’s supposed to be saving us time is instead draining what little is left of it.

I make a conscious effort to be a lazy bastard occasionally. I need to do this to maintain my sanity. Typically, some efficient little fuck will call me out on it and advise me about layering my activities. I dislike these people and do not admire their hypertension.

Here’s the multitasking that I should be doing right now: Instead of writing, listening to DJ Roger Sanchez, and eating Blue Diamond Jalapeno Smokehouse almonds I should be planted in a comfortable beach chair, listening to crashing waves while scanning the horizon for bikinis. Hm. That’s not a bad idea. Off I go.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.