Mom of the Year

Mom hires stripper for son’s 16th birthday, wins Mom of the Year award.

The New York mother who hired a female stripper for Tucker’s sweet sixteen party has won the coveted Mom of the Year award and has been nominated for the Nobel Prize in Physiology. Naomi Tinybush raised the ire of the other attendees’ parents by exposing their minors to such “horrible” things as an oil-slicked buttocks and tassels instead of more appropriate things like violent video games and bloody MMA fights to near death.

“My son came home walking funny and spent nearly thirty minutes in the shower,” mother of little Tommy told us. “He had a crazed look on his face when he walked in, and we knew something was up. My husband suggested he may have dipped into our Jack Daniels supply again, but when we confronted Tommy, all he could mutter is something about a woman named Destiny. My husband demanded an explanation, but Tommy showed him a Polaroid instead. I’m not sure what was in that picture, but my husband assured me everything was OK. Come to think of it, we sure fucked a lot that night. Hm.”

At the mall, we ran into a group of the boys who attended Tucker’s party. The popular sentiment was that the event was “epic.”

Spencer said, “Tucker is like the coolest fucking dude ever. I used to think he was a dweeb because, like, his lips are always stained Slurpee blue, and he picks his ears a lot. But, dude, his mom … totally hot. She tongued kissed that stripper. Fuck. I almost fainted.”

Jordan added, “I got to touch Suzie Cartright’s boobs at the fall dance, but they were nothing like Destiny’s. Hers were like huge. She stuck my head between her gazongas and told me to motorboat her. I don’t fucking know what that is, but fuck. Suzie’s tits suck. I hope they grow.”

Max commented, “Destiny bent over and I seriously could almost see her ax wound. It was fucking awesome. She didn’t have much hair on it either. Damn. Have you ever stuck a finger in one? I bet it feels like warm pudding. She almost let me. Man, I can still smell her perfume. Gives me a boner just thinking about it.”

Marcus told us, “I mean, she was hot and all, but like, you know, I’ve had better. You know what I’m sayin’? Shit. For my sixteenth, my neighbor Laquinta let me put it in, like the whole way.”

When asked if the boys were in the mall to get the popular new video game, Crisis 3, we were surprised by their response.

“Nah, I’m done with killing things,” Spencer told us. “It’s kind of a fucked up thing to expose teenagers to, isn’t it? It tries to make violence cool. Fuck that. I want to see more titties.”

“Yeah, and I want to learn how to give a girl a blowjob,” Jordan added.

The other fellas laughed and slapped him in the head, knocking off his flat-billed cap.

“You dickweed, Jordan,” Max corrected. “Chicks don’t get blowjobs; they give them. They like grab your junk and blow cool air on it and it feels good.”

“Shut up, asswad,” Marcus redirected. “Y’all are fucking stupid. You gotta turn a shawty over and shove a thumb in they butt. That’s what they like.”

Tucker’s mother, Naomi, could not be reached for comment as she was busy baking marijuana brownies for her daughter’s graduation party.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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