The latest issue of Time Magazine shows a 26-year-old mother breastfeeding her three-year-old son. Naturally, this picture has caused quite a stir, so allow me to dip my rusty spoon into the media hype soup.
Things I find disturbing about the photo:
- He’s not using a napkin.
- He’s not properly cupping the breast while extending his pinkies–horrible manners, young man.
- The look on his face definitely says, “nya, nya.”
- There’s an unoccupied breast.
- I detect a bit of thickness around his middle, suggesting he’s overindulging and needs to take a few laps around the neighborhood before his next meal.
- I appreciate that while serving food, she has her hair up, but shouldn’t she also be wearing gloves?
- Camouflage cargo pants are so 2009.
- He’s not paying proper attention to the clitoris during nipple stimulation … oh, sorry, my bad … this only applies to lovers, not offspring. Never mind.
- Her choice of shoes is atrocious. She could help the little suckling reach by wearing pumps.
- Why did his grade school allow him to take his chair home with him, or did mom deliver his lunch to school?
Things that would make it more disturbing:
- If she were unattractive.
- If her daughter, with a bob cut, dined.
- If his father watched.
- If the son had a mini-boner.
- If she were holding a romance novel in her free hand.
- If he invited his neighborhood buddies over for dinner.
- If they were in the bathtub.
- If she were a Kardashian.
- If Ryan Seacrest interviewed her while feeding.
- If his T-shirt read, “Got Milk?”
Things that would make it less disturbing:
- If some of the milk dripped off his chin, onto the floor, and the cat lapped it up.
- If he wore a cute bib–maybe one with a lobster on it.
- If he were fifty years old.
- If he were black or Latino. Where’s the EEOC when you need them?
- If he had some Oreos.
OK, Time Magazine, next time you know to consult me. Here’s a suggestion for your next cover: A father (either paternal or priest) showing the daughter how to insert a tampon.