Lesson #1: How to avoid mistakes in the bedroom.


My little snow angel is away on maternity leave from the morning news, so why watch? Instead, this morning I dumped hot water onto my oatmeal and turned on The Playboy Channel. This is something I probably wouldn’t get away with if I lived with anything except cats. As I devoured my paste-in-a-bowl an interesting show came on featuring couples–having a few “issues” in the bedroom–meeting with sexperts.

Maybe it’s because of the target demographic, but it seems whenever a couple has a sex problem, the cause of the problem is the man and the victim is the woman.

Today’s issues were:

  1. He keeps his eyes closed while doing it.
  2. He doesn’t spend enough time with foreplay.
  3. He doesn’t provide proper manual and oral stimulation before penetration.
  4. It’s always the boring missionary position.
  5. It feels too much like screwing instead of lovemaking.

All right, maybe these are typical. I haven’t had a steady sheet stealer in eons, so what do I know?

Looking into each other’s eyes during lovemaking can be sensual and it can be creepy. Perhaps that’s why so many men prefer doggie style. When anybody stares at me, my reflexive response is to ask, “What?” That’s probably not the most stimulating thing to say, but I’m the paranoid type. She could be:

  • looking for me to say those three words.
  • hoping I start talking dirty.
  • worried I’m fantasizing about someone else.
  • reading too many romance novels.

Yes, yes, every man knows every woman wants more foreplay. As I suggested before, go pick up a chess timer on Amazon and solve the problem fairly.

The one sex instructor, Jaiya (holy shnookers, she’s sexy), whipped out a vagina fleshlight. That’s not a typo. She demonstrated the proper stimulation of the female parts to Mr. Stabitquick. Her point was to play around the bulls-eye with varying levels of pressure instead of poking it like he’s at an ATM. She also stressed the importance of finding her G-spot and rubbing it the right way.

Although the most frequently assumed position is missionary, I’m here to tell you, ladies, your man prefers you on top. Yep, every man. We want our hands free and don’t want to risk lower back injury or elbow soreness with golf season approaching.

The lovemaking versus screwing thing is simply a matter of communication. Sometimes ladies want to be cuddled on a cloud of feathers to the sounds of crashing waves. Other times, ladies want to be tossed around and slammed like a tequila shot to the sounds of jungle animals. Before the first button is undone, specify your preference and he’ll comply.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.