Mind Over Matter

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” – by Dr. Seuss

Very wise words from that cat in a hat. Yet, it is also best to choose your words wisely when expressing your feelings. While others may not mind your feelings, they may mind how you expressed them. This comes to mind because I recently received a Match.com email from a self-proclaimed profile critic. This woman is who she is (single, probably since puberty), and she says what she feels (that profiles should be molded to suit her). Either I shouldn’t mind or I shouldn’t matter. Obviously, since I’ve mentioned it, I’m the latter.

Dating is a delicate dance, especially in its early stages. I suggest you avoid trampling on toes by saying too much of what you feel too early. Perhaps a little guidance is in order.

If he shows up to the initial meet and greet with a few extra years, pounds, or mommy issues…

  • DO – endure his company for one hour.
  • DO NOT – point and laugh, take a picture to send to your bestie, or run away screaming.

If you wonder what is going on under that baseball cap, inside that two-sizes-too-big shirt, or behind his zipper…

  • DO – be patient and dim all the lights, sweet darling.
  • DO NOT – take his hat and throw it across the bar.

If he buys you self-serving gifts, such as lingerie, treadmills, or vacuums…

  • DO – ask for the receipt.
  • DO NOT – re-gift and give them to his mother.

If the dinner he cooked for you is unsatisfactory…

  • DO – make an excuse, like cramps.
  • DO NOT – feed it to his dog when he’s not looking. (The food probably sucks for the pooch too.)

If he thinks he’s being romantic by ordering your food or beverage, and he has selected poorly…

  • DO – look at the items and pout until he repents.
  • DO NOT – stuff a bunch into your mouth, chew it into mush, and then spit it onto the bread plate.

If he stares at the bar slut’s excessive cleavage…

  • DO – stare at the bar stud’s shapely pecs.
  • DO NOT – try to compete by popping that next button.

If he changes the station while you are driving, and enjoying the current song…

  • DO – change it back and shake a fist in his face.
  • DO NOT – throw his phone out the window.

If he tells you a joke that involves shit, penis length, or wife beating…

  • DO – tell him your joke: “What’s pink but turns blue for seven days? Your balls.”
  • DO NOT – say, “I don’t get it,” and force the idiot to explain his awful joke.

If he asks you to wax your pubic hair, while he sports patchy facial hair and back bush…

  • DO – use his expensive razor to do so, without telling him.
  • DO NOT – trim your pubic hair in the shape of a do not enter sign.

If he needs directions to your clit…

  • DO – play the getting hotter, getting colder game and begin by eliminating the first places he’ll search: your mouth and your butt.
  • DO NOT – expect help from Siri, Garmin, or OnStar.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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