What are we going to do with Miley’s tongue?

Pop’s latest media hog is sweet little Miley Cyrus. She has been floating around my monitor all day. She’s gone from “cute” to “has potential” to “totally fucking annoying.” Wish I were in one of those marketing meetings for the Miley brand where a group of idiots decides to combine Gene Simmons’ tongue, Madonna’s naughtiness, Cher’s fishnets, and Bieber’s haircut to create the next pop sensation. It might have been wise to include voice lessons, but what do I know? All the while (let’s hope), Billy Ray must be slapping his forehead, wondering how badly this will end.

So, Miley, since you and your marketing minions have decided your tongue needs to gain more exposure than Grumpy Cat, please allow me to offer suggestions for what to do with it.

  1. (Skipping the obvious sexual things.)
  2. I have a few envelopes circa 1980, which I could use help sealing.
  3. Cleaning Starbucks counters.
  4. Lubricating jet engines.
  5. Extracting embedded Pop-Tarts crumbs from my computer keyboard.
  6. Testing Syrian exports for toxic substances.
  7. Doggie baths.
  8. Sidewalk chalk cleanup.
  9. Haunted hayride prop.
  10. Assistance with tire leak detection.

Beyond those, I don’t have any use for her and her icky sticky tongue.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.