Methods of Modern Mating


The mating scene has certainly changed over the years. Before I was married in 1990, mates were found either at work or in bars. Office love was frowned upon, and barroom love was easiest due to lowered inhibitions (a.k.a. tequila).

Once I re-entered the scene in 2003, a new arena opened called “online dating.” This is where lies and embellishment flourished, women tapped their creative depths in designing their profiles, and men continued to ignore everything that didn’t include boobs. Suddenly, everyone’s age ended with a nine, the term “athletic” took on new meaning, and men developed delusions of tallness.

Now, we’ve gone from finding a mate on a barstool to finding a mate on a mobile phone. A tap of an app, and a bevy of beauties are paraded in front of me. I play gatekeeper with the mighty swipe of my index finger.

“What’s this? Fish face? To the left for you, my dear. I discard thee.”

“Hmm, lovely. 38, you say? Let’s hope you’ve healed your child-rearing desires. To the right. You’ve punched your ticket to Phillywood.”

“This contestant has mutual friends. Let’s see. Ah, one is an ex of mine. This is doomed before it begins. Left!”

“Ooh, a ginger. I do love redheads. ‘Fire in the hole,’ my college buddies would exclaim. I haven’t matured much past that. Swipe right.”

“This one is cute, but she’s holding a wet-nosed, barking bag of poop. She’s not cute enough to override my cat preference. Left.”

“Wow, a quite darling specimen here. Let’s see other pictures. Tap. Ah, she’s newly divorced. An unjaded woman would be a welcome change. I pardon thee for your marital mistakes. Swipe right.”

“Cute face on this one, but her face takes up the entire frame. Something tells me (experience) that the parts not shown are potentially hazardous. Swipe right, with two fingers.”

One thing remains the same with the mating game: Those who fire the most bullets, land the most meals. To be uber-successful in this game, one must put aside all fears of rejection, and chase prey, relentlessly … well, up until restraining orders are filed.

This requires more than just swiping or liking. This requires approaches tailored to the prey. Your prey can easily detect when you are using generic approaches, such as, “Hey, you’re cute. We should meet for a drink sometime.” To be effective, scour the prey’s profiles for tidbits. When I see pictures of the woman holding white wine, wearing a marathon contestant number, and taking selfies at the horse races, I customized the approach.

“Hey, don’t run away. Let me refill your Chardonnay, and bet on me to win your heart, today.”

Ouch. Think I just got left-swiped. FML

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.