Men Lie


“What it lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do.” – Aristotle

Some of my lovely lady friends may need a little manology refresher. Lesson #1: Men will say whatever needs to be said to have sex with you. Lesson #1b: Ejaculation causes amnesia.

On this week’s The Bachelor: Women Tell All, Sean is confronted and caught in a lie. AshLee insists he claimed to have no feelings for the other two women, and that she was the one he would choose. Four days later, he casts her away like a gum wrapper.

Naturally, the folks at ABC can’t plant cameras behind the closed doors of the overnight, fantasy suite dates. (If they did, it certainly would improve the ratings.) Yet, having been through a few overnights, I have a good idea how the conversation went.

“Sean, I’m falling in love with you. I’m so excited to spend tonight alone.”

“Aw. You’re incredible, AshLee.” (I wish that hairless, giant toe-head would learn that describing someone as incredible is not a fucking compliment.)

“Do you have an extra pair of boxers and T-shirt I can wear to bed?”

“Ha, ha. Won’t need those, silly.”

“What? Look, you’re very sexy, but I’m not that kind of girl.”

“If you say so. It’s fine. We don’t need to have sex. I’m sure the other two ladies don’t have intentions of having sex on our sleepovers either.”

“You’d have sex with them?”

“I don’t know. I guess if it feels right, anything can happen. Still, you’re the one I’m most attracted to by far. I’ll try to behave, but it has been a while, you know?”

“Making love with you would be amazing, Sean, but maybe we should wait until after the show. It’s only another week.”

“Absolutely. Heck, I don’t need to have sex with a woman before I propose marriage to her in front of millions. There are never any incompatibilities that arise. It’s fine. Let’s get to bed and rest up. I have two more overnights and a lot of decisions to make.”

“OK, maybe we can play around a little if you really want to.”

“Nah, it’s fine. No biggie. I’ll behave. You’re so incredible, though, I apologize in advance if my hands wander a bit. You’re hard to resist.”

“Tell you what: I’ll sleep in panties only, but they’re not coming off, mister.”

“Really? Hm.”

“You’re not going to have sex with the other two girls, are you?”

“AshLee, you’re the one for me. I don’t have strong feelings for the others.”

“I’m just worried that you’re telling me all of this so I give in, then you’ll leave me curbside like my parents did. Sorry. I have this abandonment thing.”

“I’m a gentleman, AshLee. I’m not that kind of guy. You have nothing to worry about. You’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

“I love you so much.”

Roll forward through the cuddling, kissing, fondling, mounting, and after-splat. Her fear materializes into a leaky-eyed limo ride. She confronts Sean. He nervously denies everything. She’s hurt and confused, hoping he dumped her for non-sexual reasons that arose after their overnight. Professor Phil insists he ditched her because sex with the other two was better, and it’s likely he knew she was gone before the overnight, but he was in the rare position to take advantage of a lovely specimen with no price to pay.

The moral, ladies, is a man will say what needs to be said, and do what needs to be done in order to mate with reluctant prey. Then, he’ll deny or forget it all. Best to take control with these five little words:

“Shut up, and fuck me.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.