PlentyOfFish has this “Meet Me” capability where the site cycles through a list of matches with their headlines and a few pictures. There are three choices: Yes, Maybe, and No. I’d love to be the atypical male who reads every headline and views every photo before deciding. I’m not. I am a shallow monkey.
I had my assistant, Symon, collect my reactions as I went through over one hundred of these “matches” today.
- Argh! That close up is way too close.
- Really? Sparklers and fishnets. Interesting … dangerous … and nope.
- I get it: you’re outdoorsy. Nobody looks good with a canteen strapped to her.
- Head tilting isn’t helping. What’s wrong with your neck(s)?
- Ah, the hand under chin pose. Cute … when you’re in grade school.
- A picture of you (cute), Santa (odd), and your dog (stupid).
- I see. Your legs extended at the beach from your head’s perspective. Unoriginal.
- Are you surprised or is that the Botox looking?
- You’re firing a gun? Oh, that’s attractive.
- You’re in a picture with two German Sheppards and zero boyfriends for two reasons.
- When you resemble a female impersonator it’s time for a makeover unless you are one and, in that case, this is hilarious.
- Horses, bulldogs, children, and a selfish prick who sees them all as stressful as he clicks “No.”
- Motorcycles give me the impression that you have hairy legs and a penis.
- I love the sexy pose in a sundress on the beach. The Zima next to you tells me I’ll need a Delorean to avoid disappointment.
- Woah, what’s she doing here? She’s “Looking for Mr. Amazing” and right now I’m Mr. Amazed.
- … and right back down to earth I land with “Fun Girl” pictures featuring a duck face and tongue sticking out. Shoot me.
- Here’s a tip: If you post a photo of you and three girlfriends, make sure you’re not the ugliest one.
- I’m allergic to poodles but your exposed breasts may heal me.
- 37? Really? Twenty years ago, maybe.
- Ah, a cute woman holding two alcoholic beverages. She’s a keeper.
- When I look at your picture, all I can hear you saying is, “Why you go out so much?”
- Please stop with the self-portraits taken in a mirror with your own cell phone. It shows that you have no friends. For that matter, so do pictures from the camera on top of your computer monitor.
- If you’re spooning your Rottweiler, I’m not touching it or you.
- Show me one person who looks good in a bike helmet.
- Hey, you look familiar. Oh, shit! DELETE.
- Fortunately, for you, dark-skinned males gravitate to these free dating sites. I’m only dark on the inside.
- Hey, a yoga chick. That could be fun.
- Aw, what a cute little dog (and no dates) you have.
- Ack! I accidentally clicked “Yes.” Shit!
- What the hell is that thing on your cheek? You’d better invest in Photoshop.
- I get it, already. You’re popular. You met Kid Rock. Well, I met Captain Morgan last night and he reminded me that Kid Rock is a talentless boob.
Symon agrees: It’s hopeless. Dating sites are not designed for bitter old me.
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