Matchmaker, Matchmaker bake me a cake.


Do you have friends constantly trying to set you up? Have you tried online personals and dating services? Have you ever tried a matchmaking service? If you have, you know that none of these roads is likely to lead you to your soul mate, no matter what the ads and testimonials say. Your best bet is to get out there, get intoxicated, mingle, and have amnesia about rejection. It’s trial and error, my sweet: Mix, fail quickly, and mix again.

Still, I was curious so …

I did not meet with a matchmaker yesterday. She also didn’t do a silly thing like ask a writer not to write about the meeting that didn’t happen. She was cute (in my imagination) as she poked and prodded the defective merchandise (me) to see what his problem is.

Here are some typical questions that matchmakers ask (or, so I’ve heard) and answers that I might have given if I were asked:

  1. Why love now? Why not? Who doesn’t love love? I could use more affection and sex and less manual labor if you know what I mean. Still, I’m selfishly unwilling to change much about my lifestyle to accommodate a love monkey, just as I wouldn’t expect her to.
  2. Tell me about your most recent relationship and how it ended. We met in a bar, went on a few dates, and had almost-sex. Then the crazy texts, voice-mails, and emails ensued and I ran away like a bear with his butt on fire. Now, I need to keep my head on a swivel when I’m looking for my next target so I’m not ambushed by yet another psycho ex.
  3. Where are you meeting most of the women you date? In a bar and, before you start lecturing me, I like bars. I’m not an alcoholic (denial is the first sign), but I find social lubrication a valuable resource to pull me from my shell and inspire my musings.
  4. Are you free of all baggage and ready for a serious relationship? Yes, I have no offspring, diseases, or jobs that require me to hop around the globe. I have two felines that are non-negotiable–all they do is sleep, eat, and shit anyway.
  5. What type of woman are you attracted to? The naked type. Ah, I kid. I am attracted to fit, intelligent, kind women. A sense of humor is absolutely necessary. There are obviously different degrees of each of these traits, which can offset or enhance others. For example, a funny woman who has a few extra pounds on her goes well with the few extra pounds I carry during the winter months. I’m not interested in having a woman with exposed ribs raise an eyebrow at my Pizookie* while she nibbles kale.

I hear that these matchmaking services can run from $2000 on up to $100,000. Holy shit! I bet many matchmakers will use the line, “You can’t put a price on love.” Yes, I can. Tonight, I shall employ a reliable (and silent) matchmaker by the name of Uppercut Cabernet. This fine specimen will cost me under $25 and cause increased cuteness with a chance of loving every time I tip it.

*Pizookie: It’s only the best fucking thing since peanut butter met chocolate. It’s a pizza cookie! You’re drooling right now, aren’t you? I know! It comes in a mini metal pan and a variety of cookie types from macadamia to chocolate chunk, it’s warm, and it’s topped with a scoop of ice cream. Go to BJ’s Restaurant and Brewhouse and try one. You’re welcome, fellow chubster.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.