Marijuana Cures

Marijuana found to cure homosexuality, crooked parking, dirty dancing, and spinach in teeth.

In light of recent studies showing smoking marijuana may cure diabetes and Crohn’s disease, scientists have discovered other fascinating uses for the wonder-bud.

Case #1: Homosexuality – Scientists interviewed Bruce, a lover of many men until he polished off half a blunt, and wound up with his penis inside a woman.

“What the fuck, dude?” asked Dr. Splifton.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into me. For some odd reason, the thought of gagging myself with a penis is no longer compelling. I kind of want to bury my face in a sloppy, wet vagina.”

“Ew, gross!”

“Turns out it’s not so bad, Doc. My roommate Lana passed me the doobie and, next thing ya know, I’m chin deep into her womanhood.”

“Were you … *gag* … erect?”

“Yep–full tilt. It was a legendary rod.”

“Did you at least turn her over for the penetration part?”

“Nope. I mounted Lana, missionary style, pounded away, and had one helluva orgasm.”

“Christ. Was she fingering your bunghole, at least?”

“No. I must admit that entrance has been closed indefinitely. I also found myself oddly fascinated with her nipples. God, who would have thought a little weed would change me so? I may sell my designer loafers and take up skeet shooting. Shit, I might watch Fox News and register as a Republican.”

Case #2: Parking – We strolled through parking lots and counted the number of cars parked horribly. The ratio of cars with tires on or over the white lines was much lower at trendy coffee shops than church. We spoke to Lin Chi to discuss her magnificent alignment.

“Miss Chi, we measured your wheels and amazingly each one is exactly nine inches from the white line. Explain yourself.”

“Maybe I’m just a talented driver, you racist fuck.”

“Ah, I bet you have one of those fancy backup cameras.”

“It’s an eighty-seven Camaro. It has a cassette player, not a rear camera.”

“Perhaps a passenger guided you.”

“Look, shit-for-brains, Asians are not all bad drivers.”

“Did you happen to smoke some weed recently?”

“Are we on camera?”

“Ah, ha!”

Case #3: Dirty Dancing – We attended three local proms and measured the distance between reproductive organs. We also had each student install our App called “Ass Shaking Seismometer” to determine how much wiggling was going on. The results were irrefutable: Stoners danced less dirty.

“Steph, we noticed you dancing with Josh to that horrible Demi Lovato song. Did you, by chance, brush up against an erect penis?”

“What? No. Gross! Josh is just a friend from homeroom.”

“You wanted to touch it, didn’t you? Ooh, I bet you asked him if you could kiss the tip.”

“Whatev. You’re a total perv.”

“Seems you also were not thrusting as much as others. Any back problems? IBS?”

“No, he’s a friend! I just hang out with him because he steals his mom’s medicinal brownies.”

“Duly noted.”

Case #4: Spinach in Teeth – First dates are precarious enough. Throw in a spinach salad with grated Parmesan and light vinaigrette and you have a recipe for disaster, unless…

“Excuse me for a moment. I need to visit the ladies room, and make sure I have nothing in my teeth.”

“No need. Smile and I’ll tell you.”

“I need to go freshen up, also. Be right back.”

“Bullshit.”

“What?”

“You’re making an excuse to leave me, call your friends, and make fun of my skinny jeans and up-do.”

“Not at all.”

“Then smile. Let me see.”

“Fine.”

“All clear.”

“Great, can I go pee now?”

“Sure. Leave your phone.”

“Jesus, you’re paranoid.”

“No, you are. In fact, leave your whole purse.”

“There are things I need in my purse, you creepster.”

“Like what? A spare phone? A gun? Bullet vibrator?”

“Lip gloss and, if you must know, I’m going to smoke a little weed so I can endure the rest of this date.”

Scientists are also studying a possible link between marijuana and gun ownership. We caught up with ex-marine, Jack Barner, who recently turned in his sidearm at the city’s “Hugs for Guns” program.

“Mr. Barner, that’s a lovely firearm you have there. Won’t it be missed?”

“I used to enjoy blowing shit up. Then, I started getting migraines. My doc prescribed medicinal pot and, since I started indulging, I’ve decided to take up craft beer brewing, yoga, and giving hugs to random strangers.”

“Fascinating.”

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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