Pruny Stones

Man with pruny stones, sitting in rocker, marries hot chick.

“Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood weds woman half his age,” reads the headlines.

Why is this newsworthy?

First, there needs to be a retraction because she’s not half his age and hasn’t been for five years. (Do your math, darling.) Second, what in sacred roadkill’s name is that thing on his head, and does it bite? Third, three words for the bride: laser teeth whitening. Fourth, the expression on the chinless dude in the background says it all.

Most women are disgusted. Most men (over 50) are jealous, yet unsurprised. I’ll bop around the shopping mall and interview some random peeps by showing them the picture and asking for their reactions.

Interviewee #1: Female, 25, attractive.

  • “Ew, gross.”

Interviewee #2: Male, 30, Asian, high cheekbones, bowlegged.

  • “Hey, sexy lady. Oopsie, old man style.”

Interviewee #3: Female, 49 (again), leathery.

  • “He’s a dirty old man, and she is a money-grubbing whore.”

Interviewee #4: Male, 60, resting on a bench.

  • “Is that the guy from Rush or Journey? Rock on. Wait. Hand me my cheaters. Hey, I’d tap that.”

Interviewee #5: Female, 6 months, wearing silly knit hat and and one shoe.

  • “Dah dah poo pooh. [Gurgle noises.]”

Interviewee #6: Male, 17, high hair and low jeans.

  • “Hu-huh. Rad, dude. Does he surf?”

Interviewee #7: Female, 84, confused.

  • “I’d never marry a man 168 years old, even if he could play the drums.”

Interviewee #8: Dog, gender unknown and I’m not checking, tied outside Starbucks.

  • “This is clearly a case of a smart woman trading her pride for saggy man-boobs, yachts, and long lines of cocaine.”

Interviewee #9: Female, 21, clerk at True Religion.

  • “You’re not going to like the way you look, and neither will any woman who sees you wearing brightly stitched skinny jeans. Now, please leave.”

Interviewee #10: Male, 55, riding a Segway while wearing a ridiculous helmet.

  • “A young woman in line at the pretzel shop just smiled at me. I have bunions and a salty boner.”

Well, I didn’t get the insight I was hoping for. Guess I’ll need to do my own analysis. When a woman half my age hands me her vagina, I rarely ask her to marry me. In fact, I usually respond with the following ten statements:

  1. What type of medication are you on?
  2. I’m too old for you. Please save yourself for a young man who deserves to have his ego annihilated. Mine has already been reduced to ashes.
  3. Does it come in a smaller size?
  4. Who is it you think I am?
  5. How many minutes are left before you vomit up those lemon drops you’ve been chugging?
  6. Is your father an NRA member?
  7. You should reconsider if biting my pillow for the next five years is worth your citizenship.
  8. Have you considered LASIK surgery?
  9. Is your mother single?
  10. I apologize in advance for needing to stretch before we get busy, and a long nap afterward.

Don’t be hating on my man Wood, or any of my mature brothers. A firm cock ain’t worth much if it lives with its mother and carries only prepaid credit cards. Woodie’s conquest just goes to show you that you can’t always get what you want … but if you try sometimes, and pull out your wallet, yes, you can.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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