Knowing what I know now, if I had a vagina, I’d land the man of my dreams. It’s not complicated, ladies. Every night I hear complaints from women who can’t find or keep the right men. It seems many women don’t realize the litany of powerful weapons at their disposal. I’m not only referring to sexual ones either. A man is simple to operate. In situations where what he needs conflicts with what you need, all you need to do is let him think he is getting what he needs to get what you need.

Men have the instinctual desire to be providers and protectors while feeling sufficient appreciation (sure, sexual favors go a long way). Play to that, ladies, and you have yourself a subservient man at your disposal. Pump up his ego. He needs it. You don’t always need to be sincere, either. Thank him, guide him toward addressing your needs, take care of his physical needs, and you’ll need not worry about him straying.

I do know a few men (leeches, in my opinion) who seek women in certain financial and emotional states and then drain them dry. I’m amazed at how often this happens, actually. The woman being leeched from must be aware of what’s going on. She must also have low enough esteem to tolerate it. How horrible. Have some pride and confidence. Rip that sucker from your life and teach him that his lifestyle choice is unacceptable.

In regards to a decent man, here are subtle ways to keep him loyal:

  • Offer to contribute financially. Cover the tip, at most; he’ll probably refuse, but he will appreciate the gesture. Women with certain expectations are huge turn-offs.
  • Reward his good behavior with compliments. When you like what he’s wearing, say so. When he returns from the gym all sweaty, remark about how buff he is getting. When he brings you a gift, act as if you were chosen from The Price is Right studio audience.
  • Let him fix things. Go ahead and play stupid and weak; you know you’re not.
  • When you are having a rough day and need an ear, before you begin, tell him you need to vent and you’re not looking for solutions. He’ll still offer some because it is his nature to do so. No matter how ridiculous his suggestions are, tell him you will consider them.
  • Support him. You must support every sports team, athlete, and car make he supports. I don’t care if you’re a Packers fan. If he digs purple, you’ll need to become a Vikings fan. (Or, allow him to believe so while you secretly wish you could play center for Aaron Rodgers.)
  • Remind him how much of a superior mate he is when compared with his friends, your ex, and your girlfriends’ men. You can build him up further by saying how wonderful he is compared to TV celebrities, but be careful you don’t create a Charlie Sheen.
  • Don’t make him guess. His day is already full of confusing choices.
  • Don’t ask him to make too many decisions. You can gently guide him with your reactions to his suggestions.
  • Help him decompress after a rough day at work. A hand-delivered, fresh, cold beer and a TV remote (bonus points if these are delivered silently by a woman showing cleavage) after a rough day works for men the way a hot Calgon bath works for women.
  • Put out, even when you’re not entirely in the mood, and act as if you’re enjoying it even when it’s mediocre. You have options for getting him off quickly. You can let him know you expect reciprocation at a future time. He’ll promise anything while turgid. Sometimes you need to take one for the team. Sorry.
  • Rave about him to his friends, coworkers, and family members. It will all get back to him and work wonders toward making him feel secure. Stress causes tumors and limp penises; you don’t want those, now do you?

It’s funny how what works for one man works for most. It’s not that way with women. I find myself constantly in front of the drawing board in a cloud of chalk dust.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.