Loving Unhealthy Stuff


Let me ask your advice. If there’s a woman I adore, and I know (well, I’m pretty sure) if I ever hook up with her, we’re going to miserable (or, blissful), should I continue to pursue the relationship? I know—of course not.

My problem is I don’t like wanting. It’s a sign of weakness. I’d rather have it, and suffer the consequences, so I can get over it. Doesn’t matter if it’s an unhealthy relationship, beverage, or habit. I need to sample it and see what happens, otherwise, the thought of it consumes me.

Don’t you hate when healthy people “should” on you? Me too. Then, why do we “should” on ourselves?

I should drink tea instead of coffee. I should get more sleep. I should limit my alcohol consumption. I should seek more appropriate women. I should exercise more. I should pass on dessert. I should slow down.

This internal parent is making me manic. I want to run away.

Maybe the key to health is balance. With every cup of coffee, I should eat a fistful of walnuts. Every time I masturbate, I should make a donation. When I have that extra drink, I should take a taxi. When I come too late, I should give her a foot massage. When I eat bread pudding, I should run three miles. When one woman turns me down, I should rescue another cat.

This isn’t helping.

Let me get back to the woman thing. So, I met her many years ago, and I’ve never even kissed her. As a supportive friend, I watch her select horrible men who treat her as expected, then I console her. Occasionally, she’ll select a fine man, then sabotage the relationship. You’d think all this love carnage would be obvious signs for me to stay a safe distance. But, I’m afflicted somehow. My mind twists all this into a masochistic pretzel. I justify all the issues by insisting the right man (me) would solve it all.

Arranged marriage seems plausible.

What would the healthiest meal be? It would be delicious. It would be warm, sweet, and healthy. It would be low calorie and inexpensive. It would aid digestion, help reduce belly fat and sharpen our minds. It would be delivered to our doorstep first thing in the morning, and not require refrigeration. It would be salty and crunchy, perhaps with optional bacon bits or ranch dressing. We could eat it while driving, and it would not leave a stain when spilled.

I’m sure General Foods is working on it.

What would the healthiest lover be? It would be there when you’re lonely and gone when you’ve had enough (without crying about it). It would be able to do things you can’t. It would do these things only for you. It would like the same TV shows, home decor, and food. It would help take care of your things. It would buy you gifts. It would always be happy and appreciative and never disappointed.

I’m sure Apple is working on it.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.