Love Thoughts


I learned from all the chick magazines I read that women frequently want to know what men are thinking, especially while getting busy. So, I brought my iPad to a recent sexual escapade and recorded my thoughts during the entire process. Granted, I had to clean up quite a few typos, because touch-screen typing isn’t easy in certain positions (in fact, in every position except 69).

Once I realized I was going to “get it in” my next thought concerned where. Couch nookie can be fun, but I prefer larger fields of play, hence I nudged her toward the bedroom. This was an away game for me so I had to be subtle. I considered saying, “Race ya!” Then, I thought that was too juvenile. When I flipped her over and she banged her right elbow on the coffee table, the timing was perfect. Off to the master suite we went.

Three thoughts entered when I entered:

  1. Is she going to leave a light on? (Geez, after all the carbs I had today, I hope not.)
  2. Should we undress each other or ourselves?
  3. Is the comforter stain-resistant or should I be a (compulsive) gentleman and pull it down?

She left her panties and bra on so I did the same … with my boxer briefs. (I don’t wear a bra. Quit picking on me.) I love removing bras for some odd reason. I always attempt the one-handed, three-fingered undo first. That can work against me, though, as I’ve heard more than once, “Hm. You’re good at that. You must have had a lot of practice.” Like my lawyer taught me, I deny and distract.

Underwear removal is tricky for the person on top. It requires a pushup. With my long arms, I can usually get hers down about mid-thigh before employing my signature move by using my feet. Then I think, Hm, is this gross? My feet are clean but still, my toes are going into a sterile area of clothing. It can be dangerous as I’ve had the hip strap of a thong caught between my large toe and index toe (Is that what it is?). That little maneuver induced a severe foot cramp and cost me fifteen minutes trying to regenerate wood.

Early in sexual relationships, I prefer woman-on-top because that way she can lead. There’s typically a few minutes wasted as neither of us wants to reach down and direct the love missile to the target. After numerous hands-free attempts resulting in civilian casualties around the taint and such, the woman usually guides things along. Yay!

During the act, my biggest concern is timing. Don’t come too quickly. Don’t take too long. I insert various thoughts to delay (algebra) and quickening (Bullock).

Noises also concern me. Some moans sound disturbing similar to cries of pain. I don’t want to ask if it hurts, because that sounds arrogant. If she says something sexy, I need to retort with something more creative than, “Me too.”

Other random thoughts:

  • Ow, she bit me. I wonder if I’m bleeding. I guess I should bite her back.
  • Damn, this is fun.
  • Would she like it if I thumbed her clit during this? That’s tough on the wrist. OK, I won’t use my pitching hand.
  • Should I pull out?
  • Various songs from Broadway musicals, including “If my friends could see me now …”

Post-orgasm discussion and maneuvers tend to be the most stressful. I hear that undocking can be discomforting for women. It’s inevitable, though, so is it best to use the Band-Aid removal method, AKA the quick-withdrawal? Perhaps. I get giddy when it makes a noise. Tee, hee!

In the end, I omit the first-tap and insert the three best post-coital words I know of: “That was nice.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.