It’s nice to be loved, but not enough.

deschrisWould you rather be with the person who loves you the most, or the one you love the most?

Chances are, the two are not within the same body. That complicates things. A man often thinks if he loves deeply, and can’t live without his woman, those feelings will be reciprocated. When the woman says, “That’s nice,” and walks away, the man is left wondering what he did wrong.

It’s not an easy lesson to learn. Just like anger and hatred don’t always breed more of the same, neither does love and kindness. You can’t control how or if your love is received and returned. Often it will; sometimes it won’t.

Desiree (The Bachelorette) loved Brooks, but Brooks didn’t love her back. Desiree took it to heart, cried, and worried that nobody would love her. She considered it a personal flaw. She hadn’t learned that love is a gift–not always appreciated, not always reciprocated. If it were, I’d be on Jennifer Aniston’s doorstep with a dozen roses. So, devastated Desiree went through the motions with the leftovers, and lo and behold she discovered that Chris loves her. That dispelled the fear she had of never being loved. A week after losing quite possibly the love of her life, she has amnesia and allows Chris to take a knee.

I wear the skeptic’s hat when I say, “This won’t end well.”

Call it male intuition, or just the jaded view of a jilted man, but I could see in her face that she decided to try to love Chris. She can close her eyes, and kiss whomever she desires, but it’s unlikely to be Chris. Sucks for him, but it’s going to be a valuable lesson.

It annoys my spiritual friends when I refer to evolution, but isn’t it probable that we’re subconsciously attracted to our best genetic match, which may not be the most physically attractive or emotionally stable person? In fact, I catch myself drawn to women for no apparent reason. Some of these women aren’t even slightly available to me. My friends will wonder if I’ve been hitting the sauce too hard, or just being nice. I don’t know why I want her close; I only know to follow my genes, since they made it this far.

So, how do we deal with this conundrum? We can’t just go around handing our hearts out like candy samples. Maybe we should treat lovers like wine–taste, savor, evaluate, and order a glass, bottle, case, or lifetime supply. If it’s fine, you’ll do what it takes to enjoy more of it, or it will sour and leave. If we find ways to enhance the lives of the ones we love, sometimes it will be appreciated and returned. Smile when that happens, shrug when it doesn’t, but never settle or feel unworthy, because you are magnificent!

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.


  1. The world is full of relationships where people married for “other then love.” If you believe people can “learn” to love each other – then it can happen for Chris and Desiree. I’ve wondered the same thing that you said in your article. We tend to want what we can’t have, it’s so nice to get what we “want.” Which for Des is security, unconditional love and friendship/trust. That’s what she see’s in Chris. Brooks and Chris were both in the running, so I think Des had been mulling this over for quite a few shows, it was so obvious in the rose ceremonies. I’d like to think that Des couldn’t have her “cake and eat it too,” and knew she had to choose, so she went with Brooks (knowing that he told her he wasn’t sure of his feelings for her). Kind of sounds like she went for the one she couldn’t have, which is her pattern. Fortunately he turned her down and NOW she has a chance at a relationship where her guy is “emotionally available” to her and she can learn to accept what Chris has to offer. I don’t see this as ending bad, I see the two of them getting closer and enjoying a wonderful life together. Des would’ve “settled” with Brooks, but now she can relish in her relationship with Chris.

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