Love Glove FAIL


Back when I was coming up with a plot for my Fifty Shades parodies, I felt the protagonist needed a special skill to make the ladies purr. I used this fancy thing called the internet, and hopped from site to site, hoping to find the world’s finest adult toy. Then, I stumbled upon the Fukuoku Vibrating Love Glove. The Lone Ranger has his mask; my hero must have his glove.

Mind you, I had no first-hand (so punny) experience with such a device, but it seemed to have potential, as many a reader raised an eyebrow at the idea of a gloved crusader. Well then, surely the glove would be a practical addition to my nightstand. Off to Amazon. $44 and two days later (yay, I get free shipping), I become armed and dangerously sexy.

Interesting facts about the glove:

  • It is moisture resistant … heck, it’s submersible!
  • No assembly is required, and batteries are indeed included.
  • It has two vibration settings–medium and “holy-fucking-shit-peel-me-off-the-ceiling.”
  • Each finger (thumb too) generates 9,000 clit-slapping vibrations per minute.

This device has unlimited potential. Technically, I could read my Kindle with my left hand, while diddling a partner on my right. With a Kindle there is no physical page to turn, hence no need for damp index finger assistance. Yet, if I were to pick up a paperback, I’d be covered. I could swipe emails on my phone while throbbing her knob. Marvelous. TV remote usage? A simple multitask. I could even sip scotch from a crystal tumbler while “strumming my Jane with his finger.”

All that was left was to find a willing subject. M&J had no problem. Why should I? Well, for one, most ladies want to thoroughly inspect the device before even considering taking it in. (That’s not a typo. Think about it. Touch yourself. Go ahead. Do it.) To alleviate concerns, the device must be left sealed in the package. Check.

So, this week, I finally found a woman who read my parodies, and miraculously found them more humorous than offensive. I added the prerequisite amount of wine and pleading, and she opened up. I’ll not detail how the night played out. Let’s leave that for my next romance novel abomination.

Things I have learned about the glove:

  • Masturbation, for some reason, is better done while alone.
  • The high vibration setting might actually trigger an avalanche, so, if you live in Minnesota, don’t try this at home.
  • There’s a fine line between sexy and creepy, and I seem to straddle it every time.
  • If, when you are attempting to deliver pleasure to a mate, she closes her eyes, yes, she is thinking of someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. Carry on.
  • Cats don’t like the sound it makes.
  • If you have it running for more than five minutes, your fingers will go numb. Don’t attempt to pick up anything that could break until blood circulation returns.
  • It’s probably going to spend much more time in my nightstand than it will on my hand.
  • There should be a YouTube video on how to use the glove. (Oh, fuck … there is. My favorite part is her pronunciation of the brand, “Fuck you, OK, you.” And, Radiris, my sweet, it isn’t for giving yourself a back massage.)

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.