Locker Room Talk

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I’m in a locker room almost daily (should be daily, but I’m old and uninspired). Do you know what sort of discussions I hear in the locker room? None. Crickets. We’re either in there to store or retrieve our stuff. Sure, some fellas are brave enough to shower, shave, or blow dry their genitals. Most? Nothing. Not a word.

If a man started bragging about groping Miss So-and-So, or commented on the impeccable buttocks of Miss Such-and-Such, most of us would ignore him and hasten our exits. We wouldn’t ask for more details. We wouldn’t chest bump him.

Now, whereas most male locker rooms are silent, baseball dugouts are not. Coaches and players are not covering their mouths to prevent their opponents from stealing their strategies. They’re doing it so the audience doesn’t read their lips and discover something unhero-like. Most of what is said “behind the glove” is less misogynist and more game-related. Things like:

  • “How could you walk that numb nuts?”
  • “We have a frying pan playing second base. Make sure you pitch inside.”
  • “How’d we get stuck with Stevie Wonder behind the dish?”
  • “This guy says you don’t throw hard enough to hurt him.”
  • “Any chance you can mix in a few strikes before my sunscreen wears off?”

Yes, there’s the occasional female-related comment. It’s usually about a fan, and qualified:

“Which one of you dickheads am I going to offend when I comment on your granddaughter’s inability to keep her legs closed?”

I’m not claiming that all comments are harmless. Sure, some guys take it too far. But, usually, the comments about women involve flattery or fantasy (from our standpoint, not hers, unless she’s a certain kind of woman in a certain kind position). The important distinction is that our locker room talk at its worst is about things we’d like to do to her, whereas a certain tangerine-colored douche canoe who happens to be running for president describes things he has done. Deeds are far more destructive than words, are they not?

Ladies, just to keep you informed, these are things my fellow swine and I say we’d like to do to you. Again, there are circumstances in which you’d find these less offensive:

  • “Play Slinky with your fun bags.”
  • “Take you to pound town.”
  • “Sit on our faces and sing Beatles tunes.”
  • “Bounce quarters or eat sushi off your butt.”
  • “Suck on your big toe.” (This one bothers me, probably more than you. WTF? Why The Foot?)

Things we don’t say involve marriage, parenting, or gifting. Ah, but, you can use your imagination. Add your own subtitles. Or, continue to live with the fact that you’re stuck with immature perverted drunks as mating options.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.