There are things better left unsaid. That said, I’m going to say them. I can’t cause any offense by saying them here because I’m saying they shouldn’t be said. Get it? For example, if I say men should never use the word “moist” around women, I’m exonerated although I have obviously just used the word around women. Context is everything.
I’ll begin with things ladies should not say to their men.
- “We need to talk.” – Any conversation beginning with that sentence isn’t going to be pleasant.
- “What was the bet you lost?” – Granted, this is more subtle than asking him outright why he is dressed like a teenager, clown, or Grandpa on a cruise, but the sarcasm stings.
- “Did you remember …” – Don’t be rhetorical.
- “Have you ever had a lover’s finger up your ass?” – It’s not the same.
- “You didn’t need me to save [insert invaluable item], did you?” – Whether it’s an episode of True Blood, his baseball card collection, or that cap he always wears, yes, he did.
- “You can’t imagine how big his unit was.” – Mentioning the lump that was once in your throat will probably create a lump in his.
- “My ex never took issue with my …” – Yes, he did.
- “I signed us up for a class.” – Unless it involves swinging a bat, racquet, or club, he has no interest in going back to school. OK, one other exception: beer making.
- “The car is making a funny noise.” – Funny to whom? The mechanic?
- “My friend, [insert name of annoying pest], says we should …” – Who asked her for advice?
- “Your phone buzzed while you were in the shower, so I checked the message.” – Start packing.
- “I ran into my ex last night.” – The next sentence will downplay the meeting, to no avail.
- “Does this dress make me look fat?” – No, your fat makes you look fat.
- “Maybe you should consider shaving your head.” – Why thank you. I’ll leave the shavings in your sink every morning.
- “Did you know that most women need more than fifteen minutes of stimulation to have an orgasm?” – Is that cumulative? Two minutes a night for about a week should get you there.
Women are more sensitive, so men must be extra-careful when speaking. Men, just shut yer yaps before you say:
- “Damn, look at the butt on Joyce. She must be doing squats.” – Thus insinuating that your plank-assed woman is doing squat.
- “I’ll pull out. I promise.” – Oopsie.
- “Do you have any ones?” – She knows they are destined for some tramp’s g-string.
- “Honey, come take a look at this. Is shit supposed to be green?” – A courtesy flush is in order.
- “This shirt makes me look buff, huh.” – No, it makes you look like someone who sat in front of the mirror admiring himself, making us late.
- “They hired this new chick at work. All the boys are drooling over her.” – Be prepared to be called by her name in a future nookie session.
- “Would you look at the picture on that TV? It’s like staring out a window.” – There goes a year’s worth of hair-coloring.
- “Can we put porn on while we do it? That might help me.” – Oh, brother.
- “Do you really need another pair of shoes?” – Yes, she does and if you forbid her, you will pay.
- “I can’t understand why anyone watches this crap.” – Typically asked right before the joystick is picked up and he begins shooting aliens.
- “Wow, I didn’t even realize you got a haircut.” – Not noticing is not good.
- “How cute! Did you know your left boob is bigger than your right one? Ha, ha, ha.” – Grab a mirror and have a gander at your lopsided balls.
- “I thought women liked it when men rip their panties off.” – Not the thirty-dollar brands, you idiot.
- “Why must you keep putting that shiny stuff on your lips?” – Well, you just gave her one fewer reason to.
- “It doesn’t hurt. My ex used to love it.” – Then let me try it on you first.
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