Land of Forgotten Ladies


Met a fine pair of self-described middle-aged women last night. That term “middle-aged” bugs me. I don’t mind being young or old, because those are based on my relative age to the describer. But, when someone calls me “middle-aged,” they are implying they know how long I will live. Doubt I’ll make it to 110, so maybe I’m two-thirds-aged.

Anywho, these two lovelies also described themselves lost in the sense that they are at an awkward dating age. They’re approached either by young boys or old men. Men their age want young women, so they look right past the beauty before them.

That’s kind of sad.

The ladies went on to explain that young boys want middle-aged women because the boys assume they come with experience—know their way around a ding dong, so to speak. Also, boys expect these women to be in touch with their needs and desires, and have no problem communicating them without all those confusing emojis.

Old men (they placed at 60-65) want the middle-aged women because they need women who can take care of them—know their way around the kitchen, so to speak. Also, these are usually not the rich old men, since those slobs still chase around young skirts willing to curtsy at the sight of fast cars and job titles. The old men who want the middle-aged women are aware of their hastened slide toward ashes and dust.

Alone is no way to die, but we all die alone … unless Trump gets us nuked.

As I age, I see young girls as pretty to look at, nice to hold, and mentally exhausting to maintain. I can appreciate a Ferrari without owning one. Plus, I like sleeping. Young girls are in the bathroom finishing up getting ready for a night on the town. I’m in there scratching my ass while taking the first of three slumber pisses.

“Have fun, sweetie. Be a darling and take off your heels before staggering upstairs when you get home. Daddy needs his ugly sleep.”

The more I speak to the forgotten women, the more I reassure myself that this is an island I need to visit. Sure, there’s an attitude. These ladies do know what they want and don’t want. They have no problem insisting I open doors and send zero dick pics. It’s not that they neglect their looks; they obsess less about them. They replace vodka Red Bull with a snifter of fine tequila.

They mentioned a third type of man who does notice them: married. This man is bored with his ponderous sex life, and is looking for a testosterone boost without all the nasty side effects. Fortunately, these women are tuned to such and able to avoid the silliness. They empathize with the wife’s neglected love button and cast the married men from their shores toward Slutty Barbieland.

So, I found out which woman was single, and I asked her out. She said, “sure,” and gave up the digits. What a fine, age-appropriate souvenir for me! Let’s hope we enjoy numerous rides between her land and the place I call home: Nice Guy Island.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.