The most popular kinks, and what they say about you.

Not those Kinks, silly. It’s a lovely band, with catchy tunes, but I’m referring to sexual kinkiness. I do have first- and second-hand experience, which has led to certain conclusions, bound to be way off-mark because I’m oblivious. Yet, perhaps you’ve been exposed to a few of these and can consider my impression, or kindly add some of your own.

These kinks can vary in severity from experimental to mild to “I can come without it.” Whether you’re dabbling in dirty talk or shoving produce up your butt, you’ll find this guide useful. I suggest you save a PDF version, have it laminated (probably not a good idea to have a clerk do it for you), and pin it to your headboard along with a handy clip-on light.

  1. BDSM – Obviously, from the Fifty Shades hysteria, this is the most popular one. It can range from the gentle tying of one’s wrists (easily undone) to choking the shit out of someone while calling them names. Personally, I don’t want to be tied. I can sit on my hands. Have at it, darling. Yet, others enjoy being restrained, and at the mercy of a lover. Having a helpless partner is simply too tempting for a joker like me. Heck, I’d probably shave an eyebrow or squirt honey on her and call the dog. People who are typically into BDSM either have low self-esteem or are narcissistic. Good luck figuring out which one it is.
  2. Dirty Talk – Don’t do this with me, or I promise I will laugh, and it will kill the moment. The ever-so-popular line, “Oh, God. Yes. Fuck me hard. Yes. Fuck the shit out of me,” causes my overly literal interpreting mind to wonder what would happen if I did happen to knock a fudgy squirt from her. That’s probably not going to get her (or me) to O-town (but, it will get her onto my blog). Part of dirty talk is name-calling. Be careful here. Most people do not want to be called dirty whore, slut, skank, pig, twat, or an ex-girlfriend’s or mother’s name. You can build up to massive kinkery, but begin with the gentle “Yeah, you like that don’t you,” to be safe, because the recipient probably watches too much porn, and may be in the Secret Service or FBI.
  3. Feet – Some people like massaging (fine), some like tickling (what?), and some even (ew) like (omg) licking (ick) and sucking (JFC!). I say feet are best used for transportation. Yet, I know these fetishes exist. If my woman gets creamy over having her feet rubbed, a-rubbing I will go. Mostly because I’m aware of what nastiness grows beneath my toenails, I will run from the bedroom screaming if a foot reaches my lips. The person who needs to suck toes was weened of Mommy’s nipple too soon.
  4. Role-Playing – Officer, Daddy, and the naughty schoolgirl are popular ones. Or, you can go to a bar separately, use different names, and act as if you don’t know each other. Then, you can flirt, and wind up having a one-night stand, which is technically still a thirty-ninth night stand. Maybe I’m off-base here, but if my woman is turned on when I act like a stranger, I see warning flags waving. Doing this may provide short-term relief from tedium, but it doesn’t address the base issue, which is the fact that she’s over me.
  5. Food – It belongs in the mouth, sweetie pie. If you need foreign objects (and you’re not a professional wrestler), try searching Amazon for the latest adult toys. You’ll find all sizes, shapes, and colors. Some go hum, some go buzz, and some require manual dexterity. Dry pepperoni, hot Italian sausage, zucchini, and string cheese belong on pizza, which should (once cooled) enter the body through the mouth, not the anus. Just sayin’. It can be kinky fun to blindfold the lover and feed her (a la 9 1/2 Weeks). I don’t need to warn you that while this may be a good way to dispose of those nearing-expiration-date items, it hints that there may be coping with food issues beginning to rear their ugly rear.

If your partner suggests you try one or more of the above, scratch your chin, stare skyward, and consider where it’s leading. Might be fun. Might not. Guess you won’t know till you try. Go for it, then blog about it.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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