I’m conservative at times. Yes, I’m a liberal skeptic. I’m writing about between the sheets. Sex to me feels fine without the addition of some things that I frankly find humorous, awkward, or downright painful. I’m not alone on this island. Ask your man if he wants his balls nibbled. Go ahead; I’ll wait. See?

Here’s a recent lovemaking session:

“Yes … yes … ___k my pussy.”

My mind goes to work. (It runs on propane. Beware of fumes.)

Wow, that could be one of a variety of things.

  • Fuck
  • Lick
  • Like
  • Kick (nope, scratch that one)
  • Poke
  • Flick
  • Stick
  • Rock
  • Ask
  • Dick

The problem is thoughts don’t traverse my waxy brain matter as quickly as they used to. I can’t see well enough to read her lips and I can’t hear well enough to figure out what she wants. Then logic kicks in. Logic, while refined near fifty, still ain’t right because I’m still male.

Ah, I got it. Her pussy is getting slightly dry because of all of the great sex I’m giving her so she wants me to go down on her and “lick” her pussy. I can do that.

Ten seconds later, she’s grabbing me by the ears, pulling me from the chilly ocean. Now, I’m quite miffed. Either she did not mean “lick” or I really suck at eating pussy. I can’t possibly suck so much that she won’t give me a minute, for Meg Ryan’s sake. It must be something else.

Shit. I can’t think about this too much or I’m going to wind up stuffing a spring snake into a can. (Those of you not nearly as ancient as I am will not get the analogy because you did not grow up with what was quite possibly the greatest prank of all time: the coiled snake in a can. Google that shit.)

Obviously, she just wants me to fuck her pussy. Duh. I can do that. In fact, I can get nasty talkie while I do it too.

“Yeah, baby. I’m fucking your pussy.”
“Yes, yes. ___k my pussy.”
“I am.”
“Do you?”
“___k my pussy?”
“I am!”

Oh, shit. Now what? Jesus. It shouldn’t be this complicated. Can’t people just fuck quietly? I don’t mind some moaning and pleadings toward imaginary deities. These kinky words leave me speechless. I suck at it. Isn’t there a book available with ready-made terms, which I can memorize and deploy as required? I have a Kindle, damn it, and I will buy that fucking eBook mid-stroke.

“Do you want me to lick your pussy?”
“Baby, tell me what you want.”
“___k my pussy.”
“Can I buy a vowel?”
“Honey, I can’t figure out what you’re saying. I’m sorry.”
“LIKE, you ass. I’m asking if you LIKE my pussy. In other words, tell me how much you like my pussy, which will boost my esteem and get me much closer to orgasm.”
“Like? Heck, I LOVE your pussy.”
“Well, that’s nice, but when I have to explain it to you, it takes away from the moment. You know?”
Yep. Hand me the remote.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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