The anatomy of the most offensive joke ever told.


Last night, two women asked me to tell them my favorite joke. The operative word there is “my,” as I was not requested to tell the joke they would find the funniest. In fact, I prefaced the joke with, “Well, you’re not going to find it very funny. In fact, you may find it offensive.” They insisted. I told the joke. My male companions snickered. The women were aghast. I did not get laid.

Let’s take a moment to study the joke in question. (Beware, you may be offended, which is your right as is mine to tell the joke.) Mind you, I did not create the joke. Not sure from whom, where, or when I first heard it, but, here goes…

A guy walks up to the pharmacist and says, “I’d like a pack of condoms for my thirteen-year-old daughter.”

The pharmacist responds, “Wait a minute. Your thirteen-year-old daughter is sexually active?”

The father answers, “Nah, she pretty much just lies there like her mother.”

(Insert cricket sounds, forehead slap, or coffee spit here.)

Reasons I find the joke funny:

  1. The double entendre of “sexually active” is brilliant.
  2. Yes, I have been with women (not thirteen-year-olds, mind you) who pretty much just lie there. I might add that they were neither dead or drugged, just bored by my sexual skills.
  3. I don’t have children, nor a wife, and I don’t get any closer to either when I deploy this joke.
  4. I was never involved on either end of molestation. A baseball coach once slapped my butt as I rounded third after hitting a home run, but I kind of liked it.
  5. The reaction it gets from people–good or bad–is consistently substantial.

Reasons some people find the joke offensive:

  1. It suggests that incest is taking place. Of course, it could also be interpreted as the father is just being a wise-ass to the pharmacist.
  2. It hits too close to home for women who experienced some form of sexual boredom or molestation.
  3. People rarely admit to going through the motions sexually.
  4. Like me, they hate condoms.
  5. Concern that by laughing, it will give the impression they condone such activity.

How the joke could be altered to be less offensive:

  1. The girl could be eighteen.
  2. She could be his stepdaughter.
  3. The father could be with his gay lover, speaking about her mother, and referring to how she had to lie still while being artificially inseminated.
  4. It could start, “A dog walks up to a pharmacist …,” which makes more sense because pet incest is somehow acceptable.
  5. He could ask for tampons instead of condoms, then punch the pharmacist after the “sexually active” suggestion.

I guess another way to deal with this would be to replace that joke in my arsenal with something less-offensive.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because she wasn’t chicken.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.