Broke Up


“I’ve just broken up with my cross-eyed girlfriend. Seems she was seeing someone else.” – Anonymous

Since I’ve been called a serial monogamist, serial dater, and an insensitive asshole, I’ve realized I am highly qualified to present an official guide to breaking up. When things begin to sour–you can identify this moment by realizing you’re cringing during intimacy–it will be time to Google this fine blog to find a decent reason to present to the breakee. If all else fails, you can go with the old faithful: “I’m just not feeling it.” Personally, I’d rather hear something along the lines of, “I got back together with my ex.” Still, they both are superior to “I’d rather hump a carrot.”

Be careful when there are feelings involved, people. Not every person you meet is as desensitized as yours truly.

I’m not good at mourning, so sue me. I get over it, make myself a tall latte, and continue ironing. The dating pond never dries up. I simply re-bait the hook and toss it back. I hope to avoid the sneers from those with my hook-puncture wounds, but it’s inevitable. Ironically, when the ex trashes me to her friends, it usually makes them curious, thinking they could tame the beast.

So, if you’re looking for the exits, and the person you’re leaving isn’t an insensitive twat, try some creative angles. It helps to begin the exit sentence with a compliment. Begin with “You’re [insert lie], but …” and use one of the following lies to avoid burning a bridge (aka make-up sex opportunity):

  1. Awesome
  2. Kind
  3. Sweet
  4. Great
  5. Nice

Now that you have lit the way to the exit, it’s time for a little shove.

  1. I’m just not ready to be in a serious relationship.
  2. I’ve got too much going on in my life.
  3. There are some things I need to devote my attention to before I’ll be ready to date again.
  4. There’s drama going on right now in my [family/career] that I need to address.
  5. It seems there’s something missing between us, and I don’t want to waste your time or mine.

There. That should avoid any massive face leakage.

Now, if, by chance, this person has mistreated you to the point where it’s absolutely impossible to envision yourself ever mounted again, don’t burn that bridge–blow it up.

  1. I don’t know what I was thinking when I gave you my number.
  2. Look, I’m saving you substantial lawyers fees and a severe beating from my father.
  3. Now I know why you were single when we met.
  4. Have you considered therapy? You should. And, while you’re at it, see if you can find a drug to cure that awful orgasm face you make.
  5. Remember that puppy you were considering right before we met? Get two.

It doesn’t matter how subtle or blatant you are, actually. The dumpee will realize you’re either lying or prickish. Shrug and walk away. There will always be other options. Soon, you’ll be able to build your own mates with 3D printers. Avoid using saran wrap, or they’ll be too clingy.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.