In any shitty situation, remember that shittiness can be overcome and forgotten with a strong finish. This year may have started with financial and marital woes, but ended with a promotion and exciting new lover. The good stuff was made better by all the bad stuff leading up to it.
Without becoming too self-helpy, let me offer us both some encouraging words for the new year ahead.
- You’re fucking awesome. Why? Well, because you have a sense of humor. You made it this far into my lump of sarcasm without tossing it into the shred pile. You giggled and nodded. (I saw you. Look over your right shoulder. Hi, there! I know. Creepy. Sorry.) That marvelous sense of humor of yours will serve you well as you shrug off minor setbacks in expectation of better things to come.
- The most attractive among us will die first … and hungry. Stop forcing rabbit food down your throat when there’s cheesecake on the menu. Stop destroying your joints running marathons. Wear your wrinkles and curves proudly—you’ve earned them.
- Rich people need all that money to buy lawyers and pills. They’re not happy; they’re depressed. The larger your stack of cash, the more time you spend worrying about somebody taking it. Your goal should be to die with the largest debt possible and $0 in your bank accounts. It would prove you lived your life to its fullest.
- You don’t control how people feel about you, so fuck ’em (in the nicest way). When people are mean, walk away. They’re not worth defending yourself. Next!
- Enjoy your own company. Stop looking for other people to complete you. You’re done just right. You’re lightly glazed, salted, and browned to perfection. Now, if there’s a delicious side, which would complement you, add it. We should all seek bilateral emotional enhancement.
- Do the unexpected. Pay the tab of the person behind you in the Starbucks line. Pull over at a busy intersection and dance with a sign twirler. Start a food fight. Ask someone you have no attraction to out for drinks. Then, marvel as their cuteness grows with every drink (kind of like a Chia Human). Call your uncle just because you were thinking of him.
- Watch more sunsets and sunrises.
- Sleep in. Note: This may be in direct conflict with #7, but there are apps and websites. Remember, the sun is always setting and rising somewhere.
- Unsubscribe from all those emails. Look at your inbox. (Go ahead. I gotta pee anyway. Meet you back here in a few.) How many emails did you get today? 100? More? How many of those were useful? Clear the electronic clutter that bogs you down and wastes your time. I realize lots of emails, Facebook likes, etc. feed your ego. But, it’s your time and attention they’re hoarding.
- Every heartbreak is one step closer to love. Don’t avoid heartbreak; seek it. Fall in love quickly and often. Heck, get it out of the way on the first date. Tell him you love him, and it’s his responsibility to appreciate it or lose it.
Develop a strong case of amnesia around all things shitty. Remember only the good. Finish strong, my dear. Hold up your big blue “W.” You are a lovable WINNER.