In Her Friend Zone

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51 reasons why I’m happy to be in her friend zone.

Most women I know have the impression that my friendship comes with one-way sexual tension. While I admit there are some friends with whom I wouldn’t mind sharing a drunken oopsie night, most of the time I’m quite content in my friend cage. Unless you’re Katy Perry, there actually are men interested in your friendship, not your precious, little love tunnel. If buying a round of drinks, holding a door, or complimenting you springs oxytocin leaks in that tunnel, please forgive the intrusion, but you’ve mistaken a kind gesture for a solicitation.

Alas, here are the 51 reasons why the grass is greener in the friend zone:

  1. You either have too much or too little fuzz on your peach.
  2. While content with cheap chardonnay, your taste miraculously changes to champagne once a wallet opens.
  3. You have iguana hair.
  4. I’m blinded by the bling on your jeans, which is drawing attention to an area it shouldn’t.
  5. Only smoking when you drink is still smoking, and disgusting.
  6. You have something in your teeth, schnookums.
  7. You spend half the night dabbing concoctions on your lips while making a fish face.
  8. Your purse is either Samsonite or appears to come from a Barbie playset.
  9. Your car is a mess, and there’s this place called a service station where they can fix that “noise.” If you’re lucky, somebody working there won’t want to fuck you either.
  10. You replaced your last boyfriend with two dogs, which are smelly and annoying.
  11. You don’t have any beer in your refrigerator.
  12. I’m trying to bang your roommate.
  13. You dated my buddy, and he told us all about it.
  14. You assume I’ve been captured by Al Qaeda when I don’t answer your text in under five minutes.
  15. You send twenty fucking texts a day, most the same as yesterday.
  16. You tagged me in a horrible photo.
  17. You watch the game for the commercials.
  18. Yoga.
  19. I’m well aware of how sperm-hungry your eggs are right now.
  20. You order your salad with dressing on the side.
  21. You moan in your sleep.
  22. You lecture me about drinking too much, smoking weed, and eating wings.
  23. You always sit with your foot tucked under your butt, and it looks painful.
  24. You wear pajamas.
  25. You order food, and don’t finish it.
  26. You buy organic coffee, which tastes like ass.
  27. Shopping with you is a marathon.
  28. My buddy wants to fuck you.
  29. You constantly complain to me about your slutty friend who actually is less slutty than you are.
  30. I’ve heard the same story about your boss five times now.
  31. You have enough ex-boyfriends around to start a new country.
  32. You write clever things, publish them online, and assume the entire world is amused by your cleverness.
  33. No, you’re not a Charlotte; you’re a Samantha, plus twenty pounds.
  34. You cross the street while texting.
  35. You lose things constantly, which wind up being in your purse.
  36. I can’t burp, fart, or crap with you in the same house.
  37. When you say nothing you mean something.
  38. You’re too busy chasing around boy-cock to have time for real men.
  39. I’m not about to be the subject of your contribution to the next Man-Haters Anonymous meeting.
  40. You’re late.
  41. Dinner takes you three hours to cook.
  42. You keep buying things that need assembly, and I’m not your handyman.
  43. You think blowjobs are gross.
  44. Your children are obnoxious.
  45. You assume men over forty need Viagra for medical reasons, instead of the actual reason: you.
  46. Drunk isn’t sexy on you.
  47. Your gay friend keeps hitting on me.
  48. I prefer my bathroom counter to be free of magic lotions and potions.
  49. You seem to be the type who would poke pinholes in condoms.
  50. No, I’m not going to read that book. I know why men marry bitches, what planet you’re on, and it’s true: I’m not that into you.
  51. You think the Fifty Shades is the work of a literary genius, but don’t have a good enough sense of humor to appreciate the previous fifty reasons.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.