My cats make me crazy. If you have cats, you’ll relate. If you don’t, ask your aunt about it. When I want to pick up Syd (black, speedy little fucker and, no, not because he’s black), he runs away. Ten minutes later, I’ll sit on the sofa and ignore him, at which point he’ll jump on my lap and head butt and knead me until I pet him.
Mating targets do this shit too. When I have the hots for her, I email, text, and call. You know what I get? Huge response delays, one-word answers, or complete radio silence. I know better than to be persistent, because odds are that will land me in Creepytown. Sometimes, she wants to be chased, so she desires persistence. I never know which case it is, so I take the safe way out and wait quietly.
A few more days of silence, then I break the news to my lonely pecker, and move on. Weeks later, I get the where-ya-been text out of nowhere. I resist the urge to smash my phone, and consider the reasons for the delay, and my strategy for responding.
Possible reasons for her delay:
- She found a man.
- She never saw the message. (Fuck you, ATT.)
- She doesn’t like me the way she thinks I like her.
- She enjoys a challenge. (I’m not a challenge. I am the IKEA of men.)
So, what should I do? Shrug it off? Send sad-face emojis? Having no clue why she is so female, I strategize.
I’m tempted to do the following:
- Tell her I’ve been ignored by uglier women.
- Tell her I’ve been busy making deposits at the sperm bank.
- Send her an auto-response announcing my recent suicide.
- Send her a pic of my good-morning coffee dump.
I don’t do those things. I’m pig-headed, but not an animal. If we have mutual friends, I may do reconnaissance.
“Hey, what’s up with your friend Michelle?”
“I don’t know. Why?”
“Just hadn’t heard from her for a while, then she texted me a few minutes ago out of the blue.”
“Why don’t you ask her?”
“Because that’s creepy. It shows desperation.”
“Well, you are creepy and desperate, aren’t you?”
“Sometimes. I don’t need her to know that. Do you think she likes me?”
“Again, why don’t you ask her?”
“If I ask, she’ll say, ‘Not like that.’ If I don’t ask, she’ll wish I had asked, because she likes me.”
“You have us figured out. Bravo! Better have another beer. It’s going to be a long, lonely night.”