Heart and Soul

“I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.” – Vincent Van Gogh

That’s because Vinnie didn’t do enough exercise. A healthy body includes a healthy brain. Vinnie should have climbed a few steps between strokes of genius. I hear he was a big fan of cheese puffs. Tsk, tsk. If you want to keep your mind intact, you need to eat right, exercise, and fuck a lot. That’s why I’m creating the next home fitness DVD sensation, I affectionately like to call P69Sex. (The P stands for Phil, not penis. Why 69? Why not?)

Here’s a preview.

Preparation: Stock your bed with someone willing to have sex with you. Tune your clock radio to any Top 40 station. Set the alarm for fifteen minutes before usual.

Execution: When the alarm goes off, and the radio goes on (interesting), the first voice you hear dictates the next thing you do.

  • If it is a female voice, the woman (or, in the case of homosexual males, the bottom), must kiss the tip then sprint to the kitchen, turn on the coffeemaker, put a frying pan over low heat, do three deep knee bends, bring a nice glass of juice back to the bedroom, do three lunges, crawl under the sheets, and begin delivering oral pleasure while the partner sips the vitamin C.
  • If it is a male voice, the man (or top) must read a love poem while doing jumping jacks, jog to the kitchen, turn on the coffeemaker, load six slices of bacon in the microwave, do three pushups, brush his teeth, and return to the bedroom with a cup of yogurt and granola. She gets her probiotics while he lick-starts the fun.

Now that you have cranked up your heart rates, it’s time to get funky. Remember, you only have ten or so minutes remaining before it’s “fuck, I have to go to work” o’clock.

*NOTE: If you have young children to attend to … umm … shit, I got nothin’. Why’d ya go do that? You could have gotten a pet lizard or something similarly non-traumatized by watching humans copulate.

Now, for those of you smart enough to clear your home of two-legged pests, it’s time to work up a lather. You must go through six positions before ejaculation. For added bonus, do this while getting traffic reports and flossing. Don’t worry, my program doesn’t include any yucky morning kisses.

Let’s begin with missionary, with a roll into girl-on-top, a spin to reverse cowgirl, a situp into doggie, a somersault into sixty-nine, and finish with my favorite: the spork. Don’t tell me you don’t know how to spork. Oh, baby Jesus, you poor thing. It’s only the ideal position for morning sex. Fine. Listen up. She lies on her back with left leg flat and right leg slightly bent. He lies next to her with his upper torso at around the ten o’clock position relative to hers. His right leg goes under her right leg, insert morning boner, and ta-da! For those of you who still have eggs and swimmers, this position is also great for him to pull out and make belly puddles. In fact, if he’s able to launch any goo past the nipples, he deserves a round of applause and a bonus apple fritter.

Once complete with this phase, it should be normal get-out-of-bed-you-lazy-ass time. Shit, shower, shave, and go earn some money so you can afford the second DVD in my series, called “Tap Ass.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

Comments

  1. Definitely doable. Um, do you have a program for the either 6 or 9 peeps who are exercising just for one? I’m sure it will include building upper body strength, especially the triceps, biceps and oh, and of course, the wrists and fingers!

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