I don’t want anything F’d out of me.

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I’m sorry. I’d rather not have anything F’d out of me, aside from the obvious. Is that odd? Why do people use such terms?

“I’m going to F his brains out.”

“I’ll F the S out of her.”

It sounds somewhat gross to me. Naturally, I’m taking things too literally as I often do. My mind ventures into a scene where she’s bouncing away on top of me as the mattress squeals and I try to hold in my Orange Chicken. Finally, she has overwhelmed me, I lose control, and crap the sheets while a tiny bit of brain shoots from my ear onto the nightstand.

“There. I told you. I just F’d the S out of you and banged your brains out.”

“You’re proud of this?”

“Yes.”

“Look, there are so many other S-words I wouldn’t mind F’d from me. There’s sperm, semen, sweat, snot, and even spit. Of all the S-words, why that one?”

“It’s just a figure of speech. You don’t want me to say I’ll F the sperm out of you, do you?”

“Not if you’re ovulating.”

“You know what I mean.”

“It all sounds odd and unfair. Conversely, I can’t F anything out of you, can I?”

“I guess not. Well, a baby, but that’s a delayed reaction.”

“Horrors.”

“I guess some women ejaculate, so it is possible.”

“Great. Next time I’ll warm you up by saying I’m going to F the milky white pussy snot out of you.”

“Lovely.”

Quiet lovemaking is what I long for: no words–just moans, grunts, and sighs. I’ll give a pass to directions. We could all use those. Future bedmates, take all the liberties you want with “To the left, right, harder, softer, faster, slower, and kindly get the F off my hair.” Please don’t F anything out of me. Please don’t refer to me as Papi or Daddy and don’t refer to yourself as a bad girl, slut, ‘ho, or a dirty anything. Keep it clean!

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.